My Dating Mentality

Posted on by DaisyVine

Here is my view of dating after 2 failed marriages and 3 long term relationships. The 2nd marriage was abusive in all ways, losing my 3 step children and not having kids of my own has taken a toll. The 3rd long term relationship had many mental issues and was primarily a caregiver situation until i could safely leave.

So now I just go out and have fun and meet people and make friends! What do you enjoy doing? Go out and start doing them and stop worrying about if you are going to meet someone! Life is too short and precious to miss moments and experiences you will regret because that “one” didnt work out. Also and more importantly is to understand and learn about yourself what you want and need in a relationship and dont settle for less. Dating is an interview process so decide what that needs to look like to “fit the position”. Be ready to be honest when it doesnt fit and stop trying to make it fit. Be open to the other person expressing when it doesnt fit them even if its fitting you. You dont know what their expectations are in life. Its a process and it can suck but we all deserve to have someone. Just dont make it your mission in life, or in your tunnel vision you will miss out and never know it. I have told this to many girlfriends and guy friends and its life changing in their view. Just try it for the next month and see what happens.

I have found a lot of “frogs” but I have taken these situations and pulled out what I liked and what I didn’t like so I have learned from them for the future. I have actually realized different things I like and even want in a relationship during this process. I discovered I was settling more than I realized and have become stronger waiting for what I want regardless of the turns the journey takes along the way. You will be surprised yourself how different your dating perspective changes as you look at it in this way instead of whichever way you have been approaching this endeavor.

Please reach out if you have any questions how to change your current behavior to get a different result. I have been sharing with my friends and would love to help others.

Commitment

Posted on by DaisyVine

There are many people in the world that have a myriad of different emotional issues. Commitment can be a very difficult and sensitive subject. Unfortunately I have dated, and even married, men that end up getting scared or having issues down the line with this topic. This time my now ex-boyfriend decided to pre-emptively breakup with the fear of not wanting to commit later and not ready to move on to the next level. After only a few months he decided to make this decision. I am obviously heartbroken as this decision. There is never a good time to do this, don’t get me wrong, but when you have something important the next day I would think thats a more wrong time. I ended up not getting any sleep that night which caused me to lack in my obligations. So at this point I am heartbroken AND pissed!

I asked him later why it had to be that night and not wait until after my important scheduling. He said he hadn’t even thought about it affecting them and was greatly apologetic. I then also said that most people break up with someone before the holidays like this when they just cant stand being with the person even one more day. He said he wasn’t thinking about that and had intended to wait another week but that’s just what happened when he called that night.

Now I explain all of this to show how a healthy breakup can look like.

He now says he loves me and truly just isn’t ready. Now I have a choice to make. Do I sit and wait and wallow or pick myself up and keep living my life? I take it day by day and eventually there will be enough days to allow me to move on or at least want to move on.

Brokenhearted

Posted on by DaisyVine

Love is such a gamble. I have and still believe its worth trying to find. I have had many heartaches including two divorces. My most recent heartbreak was tonight. For four and a half months and even though there were issues I felt they were resolveable. We met each others family and they all liked us. Then I dont hear from him for almost two days which sent my imagination loose obviously. He worked alot of hours so I assumed just being inconsiderate on his part. Then he called and broke it off. No warning of anykind. His friends nor my friends understood. I still cant believe it happened. I cant sleep now and have to get up early. Nice try going to sleep now so I might as well write it out. Writing is supposed to be good therapy right? I dont know. It doesnt take the pain and loss away. Its the not knowing why that makes it harder than it is already.

Please put people out of their misery no matter how hard it is and tell them a real reason.

Respect in relationships

Posted on by DaisyVine

Sometimes I wonder how to get people back on track with how relationships are intended to work.  The give and take of compromise has been deemed “tit for tat”. The communication level has been reduced to text messages. The consideration for the others feelings and time are subject to their own schedules and supposed availability.

The “team” in relationships has been lost along with respect and trust to name a few. A relationship is to be there for the other person in any aspect of life thats needed. This is emotional, mental and physical support depending on the current need. Along with the drawback of technology’s diminishing communication options comes the advantage that it takes merely seconds to text someone you are running late or in a meeting or will call at a certain time when available. The excuse that you were working or busy just doesnt cut it with the technology available.

My current boyfriend has brought this up with his long hours at the office and then going home and falling asleep and forgetting about me yet again. Here I have called and emailed and texted to see how his day was and just to hear his voice. Needless to say I sleep like crap and am trying my very best effort to keep my imagination at bay with what might be going on with him. A simple text on his way home can aleviate this drastically.

This has led me to pull out my big girl panties and be prepared to have this all end at anytime since thats where all this is leading in my mind. Does the “party” doing this harm realize whats going on in our heads? All of this makes me feel needy but then I realize…

Im in a committed relationship and he has left me hanging with no return text or call multiple times and then says its because he is working and went home and fell asleep. I then reevaluate the situation and have decided that this is a lack of respect on his part and not me being needy. We make plans for the weekend and then at dinner friday night he will say that he has to work all weekend or most of it when I am sure he knew this before he even left work and who knows how much before. Again, complete lack of respect for me and my time and schedule. Its becoming a broken record and something I have to take a long hard look to decide how to proceed.

Keeping Healthy people surrounding you…

Posted on by DaisyVine

Sometimes its very hard to stand your ground with people that “think” they are doing right by you and helping you but in reality they are beating you down all the while making you think like its your fault.

This is not correct! If you look at the facts and it doesn’t add up…ask. If they are making you feel like shit over some menial thing then its wrong.

Its really that simple. Unfortunately its not as hard to identify when you are in the situation.

Introduction to the daily struggle of a recovering abuse survivor

Posted on by DaisyVine

The mental and emotional affects of abuse can mess with you on so many levels. For me it has created a huge lack of trust in so many unrealistic ways which can cause someone to live a paranoid life. This unfortunately leads to not allowing anyone into your life close enough to count as a friend of any kind. The constant awareness of what you say because you are on guard of how they could turn that against you someday. By allowing someone to get close enough to you and let your guard down is taking any protection away and leaving you vulnerable for back stabbing, lying, manipulation, cheating and the worst is they will become impatient with you once they know how you really feel about things and what goes on in your head.

I am constantly analyzing peoples reactions and responses to identify if they are real and can be trusted or if there is some underlying agenda.

This has been a huge detriment/savior at work. I was recently fired from a job because there was an agenda/scheme from co-workers. They didn’t like me because I fought for my team and especially one team member. She was heads and tails smarter than them and it basically pissed them off. She had her shortcomings as we all do and they tried to focus on those but because her work didn’t lack they could never “get her”. Instead they decided to focus on me, knowing that if I left she would leave as well. They still couldn’t find anything on me since my work didn’t lack either. They eventually took conversations I had with them out of context and added their own details to show I was scheming.

These conversations were my attempt at “being social” at work and trying to get along and be more friendly and reach out for work relationships and try to be normal. This totally back fired and now I regret ever trying to play nice and get along like a normal person. This is not healthy but my only time trying this since my abuse has completely backfired on me. When I thought I was building work relationships, they were really using things I said to try to find anything that could get me fired. When this didn’t work they resorted to lying and manipulation. They thought this would strong arm me but to their surprise and my continued detriment, I do not respond to that anymore. I have worked through those issues and can remain calm and collected when confronted which just pissed them off more. This was a lose lose situation for me but I was able to come out of it with no anxiety attack nor stress issues. I was able to come out of it knowing that I told the truth and upheld what I know is right and am not concerned with their intentions for their actions anymore. This was a huge breakthrough for me as before I would have had an anxiety attack of sorts and probably started crying and freaking out.

I am thankful that I can finally start to see the progress of all the hard work I did in my counselors offices and on my own.

I know that God does not give you more than you can handle but sometimes it seems really close to that load maximum.