Relationship/Partner Choices

Posted on by DaisyVine

How many questions come to mind when you see this title? How do we make our dating and relationship choices? How much do we compromise yet not lose ourselves? When do you know when you have made the right choice?

These are all questions we have no matter our age but its a very real truth that the older we get the harder these questions become when we try to answer. There is one thing that holds true across the board: There is no one right way. We have to consider so many things to find a partner match. Its so much more than loving each other or great sex. Unfortunately so many base their whole relationship on these two items as if they will conquer all issues that come up in life! How misguided we have become to be a product of the “love conquers all” and “all we need is love” and “but its the best sex I have ever had” slogans and sayings. These are all candy coated things the media and entertainment and retail sales have led us to believe.

How do you truly know and walk thru the process?

Communication is the very first key to ANY relationship and a romantic, life partner kind of relationship is even more crucial to have on point. This includes talking about what each other needs regarding emotional and stressful situations or happy and celebrating moments. If your partner can not be there for these basic things it will lead to more serious issues down the road including feeling neglected. Now these needs look different for everyone and there is no cookie cutter formula. Communication includes responding to texts, answering the phone, checking on your partner throughout the day and being on the same page with schedules to name the basic few. How many texts and phone calls, details of schedules and your day is up to you to communicate to each other your needs. Instead of getting upset and starting a fight when they can not do this you should instead have a conversation of what they are willing to do and compromise to see if you can find common ground. If you are still not able to receive what you need from your partner then you may not have a good match and need to part ways so you can both find a partner that can be on the same page.

In my opinion goals in life are a also a very important aspect that should match.

Is marriage something that you both want or dont want? Is retirement a heavy goal or are you both happy with the pace you are working currently? How much do you both work? What kind of time do you need and want to spend with kids and family? How much do you both want to travel? Where do you both want to live? This includes location and do you get a new place or one moves in with the other? Are your religious and political beliefs similar? Are your financial planning for future goals and your current situation on the same page?

Life as we get older is much more integrated and can be more complicated to add a partner. Communication is so important because working thru the next part of your goals in life and everything that comes with it can feel like a mediation of sorts. This is merely the next steps to determine if you can live a life together. Being open to walk away for your happiness is much different than being quick to run and end the relationship. Know your worth is also knowing yourself and what you need and want. Discovering this as well as healing from your previous relationships while trying to date will lead you down paths that can cause more harm than good.

Get yourself healthy and solid. This is when you will be open for the best match for you.

Dating ADD/Depression/Anxiety People

Posted on by DaisyVine
My last boyfriend was 50 years old and undiagnosed with mental issues. I left over 2.5 years ago and treatment had been going a year at that point with counseling and medication. They had diagnosed him with ADD, depression and anxiety but had others they wanted to test as they saw how the medication reacted.
I had written the following as a self care tool knowing I could never send. I didnt feel the need to even edit before posting. Its a very good description on how their brain processes and can even be used in normal relationships since leaving is never easy no matter the situation. I counsel many to stay strong and not respond in these situations when its best for both to walk away quietly. I have never said its easy as you can read below.
“I thought I had to mourn and be sad and angry about the loss of our relationship and you not in my life now. I then felt bad and heartless that I wasn’t really feeling these things. I have come to the realization that I went thru all of these emotions multiple times while with you and have processed them all almost completely before even ending things.
The stress and knot in my stomach and the feeling of something unfinished or missing comes back when I have to interact with you in any way that’s causing you to be all over the map emotionally. I have realized and processed tonight in yoga class that this is why I had to leave and not that there is now something missing or a loss. I am at peace all the other times and slowly getting used to that again.
I am missing relationship aspects that you were never able to even provide and someone to lean on when I rarely could rely on you to be there for me. You were all consumed in your own darkness that you don’t even know you weren’t there for me.
I have been on my own and alone for the last 15 months of our 19 month relationship except it was worse than that since I was also taking care of you. I had to talk you off the ledge almost daily for the first at least 3 months just for starters. You don’t remember the things you said to me and the names you called me and yet I never called you names or said anything I regret in anger.
I am at peace now and taking care of me. It’s the 2nd hardest thing I have done since leaving my step kids which will always be number one. The sad thing now for me that still adds to everything is having to hurt you over and over because you don’t even understand how we got to this place. Having to ignore your texts and pleads and cute loving things is actively knowing it’s hurting you again everytime. Unfortunately these are the very things that would of kept me but you were incapable and fought it every step of the way.
There’s nothing I can say to help you understand. I just keep praying you get there with counseling and stability of your meds and follow thru with doctors and prayer. It must be such a confusing place to be inside your head with this process missing.
I have to keep ignoring your texts and emails for us both. I hope one day you have the full understanding of what happened.
I will always care for you but not with you.
Love Michelle”
It can be hard to be the strong one but that doesnt mean you have to be strong and stay for that person. Sometimes its being strong enough to know when its over for the both of you.

Dating Interracially

Posted on by DaisyVine

I was recently asked to give feedback of reasons I only or prefer dating interracially. I wasnt quite sure which way to think about this question. I decided to write it down here to see what my thoughts look like on paper.

For reasons I am not sure, I have been approached only by black guys in the past 2 years. I have dated and married other races and am attracted to different races. My reasons I will list are by no means all encompassing that entire race but merely the majority I have encountered.

I have come to appreciate and enjoy the forward, no fear approach black men have embraced. It tends to be subtle and respectful. They are more straight forward with what they want and what they like which is very refreshing. I have been told I can be intimidating which only tells me those are the ones I dont have time for anymore in life. I need strength in the other person to be equal or surpass my own so when I need to lean on someone they can support me. I have found this with them in ways I had not seen in other races.

There are definite benefits in the bedroom but not just limited to the stereotype of size, which in most cases is true. The strength to voice what they want is very sexy and even if we are not on the same page the respect is given for boundaries. No fear of being too out there or not enough and still voicing, where other races are more timid and afraid of the response they may get in return in my experience. The stamina is across age ranges and the older the better surprisingly and along with knowing what to do to please and adjusting as we go definitely stands out. Some think its a one stop shop and get offended when things dont work instead of understanding we all have different likes and needs where trial and error sometimes is part of the fun.

The passion that is given regardless of the casual or relationship status is something I had not experienced with other races generally. They are so into the moment that you feel so special and sexy which makes everything feel better all around.

In my experience I have now opted to chose black because of the above reasons although not locked in, only a preference.

Recap 2018

Posted on by DaisyVine

The holiday season brings up many emotions for people either good or bad. This time of year can bring them intensely which can be hard to sort and distinguish. I have had quite a bit this year and has been challenging. All my counseling over the years has really helped by using the tools they taught me and making me empowered to work thru everything.

I was part of layoffs at my job in June and had a tough time staying positive sometimes but just focused on my passion by getting my certifications in Personal Training, Nutrition and Life Coaching. I also got my website up and started with plenty more to continuously add at  https://michelle.fitness/. I have good friends who supported me when I had questions on which direction to take with the best way to handle my finances and job offers. I was very thankful to find a wonderful new job with more pay in a great industry, oil and gas. The people are wonderful and so nice and my boss and immediate coworkers are great and fun to work with everyday. Those are so much more important than the pay sometimes.

Towards the end of my unemployment my dad passed away August 20th. There are mixed emotions about this as I didn’t have a relationship with him at that point. I had expressed my feelings to him explaining my reasons in July of last year. I am sad of course but there was a surprising relief that has not changed. Now my mom asks and needs my help and it can be hard sometimes to be there after our history. We will see where this journey brings us now for the future. I know this isn’t how you are supposed to feel in this situation and it has been hard to admit but I know im not alone with having “unnatural” reactions and feelings to situations. I feel like I should share to help someone else.

It has really opened my eyes even more to how much greater my freedom really is in life. Life is not guaranteed and so what is it you really want out of life? What is holding you back and why? Sometimes we hold back because of lack of acceptance from society or even our friends. Other times its fear of failure or embarrassment if things don’t work out accordingly. Stigmas society and our friends have placed on us can be very limiting without us even knowing and realizing. I have 2 amazingly accepting best girlfriends and a few other girlfriends that I can be open and honest with no judgement. This is a rare thing that you should hold on to when you find them in your life.

We are so careful not to hurt peoples feelings or put ourselves out there too much for fear of seeming bitchy or egotistical or selfish. Well if we aren’t standing up for ourselves then who will in this life? There are definite boundaries that are crossed that are unnecessary in this journey but only you know where those are for your situations. Sometimes its ok to appear as the above mentioned names because there are people that will be jealous or hateful because of their own shortcomings. This is not your concern, its their journey to be accountable.

Finding someone to help navigate with your journey can be helpful. If you don’t have that someone in your life I am here to help with any journey, from finances to career and even relationships of any kind. I have been there and have helped others as well with the options each direction can take so you can make a decision with eyes wide open. No one should tell you what to do but talking about and knowing the options of each choice is empowering.

I will go into more detail about my dad in a later blog when I am ready.

My Dating Mentality

Posted on by DaisyVine

Here is my view of dating after 2 failed marriages and 3 long term relationships. The 2nd marriage was abusive in all ways, losing my 3 step children and not having kids of my own has taken a toll. The 3rd long term relationship had many mental issues and was primarily a caregiver situation until i could safely leave.

So now I just go out and have fun and meet people and make friends! What do you enjoy doing? Go out and start doing them and stop worrying about if you are going to meet someone! Life is too short and precious to miss moments and experiences you will regret because that “one” didnt work out. Also and more importantly is to understand and learn about yourself what you want and need in a relationship and dont settle for less. Dating is an interview process so decide what that needs to look like to “fit the position”. Be ready to be honest when it doesnt fit and stop trying to make it fit. Be open to the other person expressing when it doesnt fit them even if its fitting you. You dont know what their expectations are in life. Its a process and it can suck but we all deserve to have someone. Just dont make it your mission in life, or in your tunnel vision you will miss out and never know it. I have told this to many girlfriends and guy friends and its life changing in their view. Just try it for the next month and see what happens.

I have found a lot of “frogs” but I have taken these situations and pulled out what I liked and what I didn’t like so I have learned from them for the future. I have actually realized different things I like and even want in a relationship during this process. I discovered I was settling more than I realized and have become stronger waiting for what I want regardless of the turns the journey takes along the way. You will be surprised yourself how different your dating perspective changes as you look at it in this way instead of whichever way you have been approaching this endeavor.

Please reach out if you have any questions how to change your current behavior to get a different result. I have been sharing with my friends and would love to help others.

Part 3: 10 Signs You Have A Toxic Parent

Posted on by DaisyVine

I decided to combine the rest of these signs into one as it has been too hard to focus one at a time therefore decided to just “rip the band-aide off” all at once. Writing these posts is very draining for the most part as its bringing up old emotions and situations I am trying to move past but feel its important to share to help others. I have added my own experiences to these 10 signs if it applied in my life.

3 They control you using guilt.

A little guilt is part of normal parenting, but a lot of it is a problem. The narcissist parent is interested in maintaining domination of their kids. They want to control their actions as well as their decisions, and they’ll use whatever means to make sure that they maintain. This often includes using guilt or money to get one to heed.

Has your parent ever given you a gift then expected something in return? Have they often told you how much they’ve given up for you?

My dad told me after my second divorce that paying for my private school education was very disappointing and somewhat of a waste considering how I have turned out. This speaks volumes to how supportive my parents have been throughout my life.

4.  They demand your attention.

It’s normal for parents to expect children to answer timely but narcissistic parents demand constant attention and instant gratification. They feel threatened by anyone or anything that threatens their control of their kids.

Has your parent blown up your phone so many times that you’ve had to shut it off? Have they interrupted your phone calls and acted disrespectfully?

5.  They don’t talk to you.

A healthy relationship involves discussing issues openly, leading to feelings of security. Many times, the toxic parent will immaturely shut down communication in the form of ignoring, in order to get what they want.

Have you ever not agreed with your father only to have him throw a fit and not answer any of your questions? Has your mother locked herself in the bedroom in response to something that you did or said?

The silent treatment was commonly used by my dad if he didnt like or agree with what was being talked about or even a small comment. He would shut down and not respond to anything or anyone. Depending on the situation he would inform us it was time to leave, for no apparent reason because whatever event or situation we were in was not finished. I have worked on but still have issues when I feel like im getting the silent treatment (radio silence) from someone. I purposely focus on not taking it personally as if I have done or said something. Sometimes i am correct because there are people that use this method for conflict and once I realize this is the situation I confront and deal with and move on from that person. I have to accept some do not have the best communication abilities but also must decide how I will have that person in my life.

6.  They take away their love.

In a healthy parent/child relationship, love is unconditional and isn’t based upon their actions. The toxic parent will use love as a bargaining tool to get a child to act the way they want.

Has your mom ever said, “If you don’t go to the school I choose, then you no longer have my support”? Have you felt that if you didn’t act a certain way then your parents would stop caring for you?

My parents have chosen in two situations to shut off communication because they didnt agree with my choices. I lived with a boyfriend two different times and they didnt talk to me nor see me for a two year period each time. To know I had no family support is a very sobering experience. I had to make survival decisions. I went to school part time while having to work full time but was not able to get loans since I was still required to include my parents information which they would not do for me. I paid as I went which took obviously alot longer to complete. Its very freeing and exciting to now be able to prepare better for my future. I have my school loans paid and am currently taking classes to prepare for the career I have wanted for years.

7.  They’re are overly critical.

Normal parents want the best for their kids and to help guide them. Narcissists “help” their children avoid mistakes by criticizing, in belief their “suggestions” aide their kids to achieve perfection, which is a reflection of themselves.

Are you afraid to show your mom your new outfit in fear that she’ll find everything wrong with it? Have you hesitated to try something new in fear you’ll fail in your parents’ eyes?

8.  They compete with you.

Friendly competition in a relationship is fun and healthy and can contribute to good self esteem. Narcissistic parents can turn competition unhealthy when they see their child’s achievements as a threat to their own self worth. They become jealous.

Has your parent ever said to you, “You’re pretty, but my hair was so much thicker than yours as a child”? Has your dad said to you, “You’re close, but you’ll never be as fast as I was”?

9.  They make you responsible for their happiness and well-being.

Normal parenting involves happy and sad times, with or without children. A toxic parent will turn their child into their substitute BFF or parent in order to take care of both their physical and emotional needs.

They make unreasonable demands of their children often forcing them to choose between them and their relationships with their friends or significant others. They often make them sacrifice healthy extracurricular activities and interests by guilting them into taking care of them.

The toxic parent can mask it as quality bonding when in reality what they’ve done is established an unhealthy relationship that doesn’t allow their child to grow into a happy, healthy independent individual.

Has your mom said to you “why are you going out with your friends? I thought the weekends are for us?” Or has your dad said, “you like your boyfriend more than me?”

10.  You’re still scared of them.

In a healthy relationship, one should be able to be themselves without fear that they’ll be criticized, made fun of, talked down to or disrespected.

Toxic parents, on the other hand, will use hurtful tactics like these, even on adult children, in order to maintain their hold. Especially when they think their kids are growing up and they’re “losing them.” As a result, children learn to be fearful of their parents, often expecting some sort of emotional, physical or financial punishment.

They learn to curb their behavior in order to please the toxic parent. Many children describe “walking on eggshells” waiting to see if their behavior was acceptable or if they should expect retribution.

Are you afraid to express your opinion or voice yourself in fear of being disrespected? Does your heart jump every time the phone rings because it may be your mom or dad calling?

This is actually what my blog contains in multiple posts as this was a running constant throughout my whole life and the reason why it has been almost a year since I have disconnected communication with my parents.

A (My) Dating Violence story

Posted on by DaisyVine

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness month and so I find it fitting to share a little about my last boyfriend except I wouldn’t consider it a boyfriend since 4 months was dating and then a year and 2.5 months was confusion/fear and eventually just survival. The outcome is that I had to file a stalking police report and further details of the relationship of why I stayed so long will be in later blogs.

The stigma around mental illness is shameful. That stigma is not only just for the individual diagnosed but also for people that have been affected because its not taken as a serious issue. The family and friends and anyone close to them experience a wide range of situations that can cause long lasting damage and issues. As a result there is a place for mental illness as an abuser in some situations, therefore the ones affected are their victims just the same. The picture may look different but the same label applies. Now in my situation I am referring to a combination of anxiety disorder, depression and ADD all in one person and diagnosed all at once.

I feel like either I have downplayed my situation with my ex-boyfriend or people just cant understand the damage that can and did occur. I have been reminded of it recently as he still goes to my gym and still thinks he gets to come up to me to say hi as if everything is greatness. Its not usually very often but in the past week he has been there 3 times the same time as me. I have come back at him multiple times since I left telling him to “get away from me and leave me alone” and I say it loud enough for those close to hear to ensure others hear me in case anything were to happen to me. I have recently started looking for a new church because it became too much even though in that situation he didn’t approach me. I made it near impossible for him because of where I sat and parked. Church is one of my safe and calm places and it just became too much of a distraction for me to enjoy. The gym is as well but its the one place I am taking a stand since that’s my place and I am claiming it as my territory.

I finally was able to leave over a year ago, November 2016, the week before Thanksgiving. Now here in lies another issue people have with any kind of abuse situation, the victim is criticized for not leaving sooner or at all. There are so many things that come into play for this to actually happen that people do not consider. The safety of the victim is priority and it took months for me to be able to do this with enough awareness I was going to be safe. Even though he never threatened me physically he had such rage when I would bring things up especially anything that would lead to me leaving that I had to learn how to disarm him so I would be safe. One time he even stood in front of the door (he is 6’1 and 220 pounds) and wouldn’t let me leave but the anger in me at the moment outweighed my fear of what he would do and I stood up to him with my fists clenched at my side ready for anything and all but yelled that he was to get out of my way immediately. You reach a point that you are braced for the beating but hope it doesnt happen and only people that have had to face this situation understand the mental aspect of this preparation. Thankfully this has never reached that point for me but I know women that have had worse. This guy didnt lay a hand on me but it could of gone the other way and my ex-husband did hit me so I was aware of the potential. These are very scary moments that I know I have only shared with my counselor and a few close girlfriends that understand, until I started this blog.

He had helped me move after dating 4 months and then just never left. This was not intended to be him moving in with me but this is how he took it and a week later as I was trying to figure out how to get him out or how to at least handle the situation he had a massive mental break of depression and anxiety and threatened suicide that now I was afraid of what he would do if I kicked him out since he knew where I lived. It was very traumatic. I got him help, only because I told him to go to the counselor and doctors or move out, and soon he was snoring because the meds were calming him enough to sleep better. So now I wasn’t sleeping and the sleep deprivation was destructive on me. I would just cry randomly because I was so exhausted and I gained 35 pounds in only a few months but wasn’t eating more and even still working out. Eventually I stopped working out because I was too drained. I would take ZQuil and chase it with red wine and still couldn’t sleep over his snoring. It was more than I could imagine and a living hell. So now this was on top of the stress he was causing by coming home in all kinds of manic mood swings. He would throw things and break things, of course only my things, and stay up all hours of the night keeping me up of course.

He is 10 years older than me and had never been diagnosed with anything before and didn’t handle it well so we would have fights about that too since he thought I was making shit up so I would “win” fights and all kinds of crazy talk. I was on suicide watch basically for 3 months straight before he finally started on meds. It took another 4 months before he finally went to a sleep study and was diagnosed to have to use a mask. I was sleeping on the couch for those four months and 90% of the time even after for the following 8 months which would also lead to fights but I was beyond done. I would tell him regularly to get out or let me leave but there was no having it which meant I could not get my things nor me out safely. I finally convinced him with our counselors help that I would move out as a trial separation but this was really a means to get me out safely and I was on my girlfriends couch for a couple weeks before I could find a place he couldn’t find me.

Even over a year later I have enough anxiety come back when he finds me at the gym that I just debate how much I allow him to make my decisions changing my life. Changing churches I am ok with but not my gym.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of man I will be able to be with since repairing myself has made me more strong than I could of imagined. I get guys that think I’m too broken or too bitchy or too picky when really I am just much stronger and vocal about what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I am good on my own unless they can handle it and be there for me like I need. Sometimes I also think writing this blog and putting all my shit out there for people to read is a turnoff for guys to date me but then I have to remind myself that someone that will be with me will think its wonderful I am putting it out there in the hopes of helping someone else or at the least to educate people on abuse from a survivors point of view. I have learned not to worry about what people think and even though it hurts when they criticize it reminds me that I am doing what I have intended which is standing up for me. That’s the biggest lesson people need to be reminded of because if you don’t stand up for you then no one else will. My getting into abusive relationships was not because of me being weak and not standing up for myself yet I still ended up in two.  Now I am that much more adamant to not put up with anything that is unhealthy for me and only I know where that boundary lies. I have had to end even girl friendships and left a few jobs because of coworkers or managers having a berating workplace environment (I got shingles from the stress of one co-workers behavior and treatment of me).

I feel like this lesson is across all of your life and once you start implementing you will feel safer, happier, less stress and ready to put that energy on other things in your life.

Know, recognize and respect your boundaries.