children

I decided to combine the rest of these signs into one as it has been too hard to focus one at a time therefore decided to just “rip the band-aide off” all at once. Writing these posts is very draining for the most part as its bringing up old emotions and situations I am trying to move past but feel its important to share to help others. I have added my own experiences to these 10 signs if it applied in my life.

3 They control you using guilt.

A little guilt is part of normal parenting, but a lot of it is a problem. The narcissist parent is interested in maintaining domination of their kids. They want to control their actions as well as their decisions, and they’ll use whatever means to make sure that they maintain. This often includes using guilt or money to get one to heed.

Has your parent ever given you a gift then expected something in return? Have they often told you how much they’ve given up for you?

My dad told me after my second divorce that paying for my private school education was very disappointing and somewhat of a waste considering how I have turned out. This speaks volumes to how supportive my parents have been throughout my life.

4.  They demand your attention.

It’s normal for parents to expect children to answer timely but narcissistic parents demand constant attention and instant gratification. They feel threatened by anyone or anything that threatens their control of their kids.

Has your parent blown up your phone so many times that you’ve had to shut it off? Have they interrupted your phone calls and acted disrespectfully?

5.  They don’t talk to you.

A healthy relationship involves discussing issues openly, leading to feelings of security. Many times, the toxic parent will immaturely shut down communication in the form of ignoring, in order to get what they want.

Have you ever not agreed with your father only to have him throw a fit and not answer any of your questions? Has your mother locked herself in the bedroom in response to something that you did or said?

The silent treatment was commonly used by my dad if he didnt like or agree with what was being talked about or even a small comment. He would shut down and not respond to anything or anyone. Depending on the situation he would inform us it was time to leave, for no apparent reason because whatever event or situation we were in was not finished. I have worked on but still have issues when I feel like im getting the silent treatment (radio silence) from someone. I purposely focus on not taking it personally as if I have done or said something. Sometimes i am correct because there are people that use this method for conflict and once I realize this is the situation I confront and deal with and move on from that person. I have to accept some do not have the best communication abilities but also must decide how I will have that person in my life.

6.  They take away their love.

In a healthy parent/child relationship, love is unconditional and isn’t based upon their actions. The toxic parent will use love as a bargaining tool to get a child to act the way they want.

Has your mom ever said, “If you don’t go to the school I choose, then you no longer have my support”? Have you felt that if you didn’t act a certain way then your parents would stop caring for you?

My parents have chosen in two situations to shut off communication because they didnt agree with my choices. I lived with a boyfriend two different times and they didnt talk to me nor see me for a two year period each time. To know I had no family support is a very sobering experience. I had to make survival decisions. I went to school part time while having to work full time but was not able to get loans since I was still required to include my parents information which they would not do for me. I paid as I went which took obviously alot longer to complete. Its very freeing and exciting to now be able to prepare better for my future. I have my school loans paid and am currently taking classes to prepare for the career I have wanted for years.

7.  They’re are overly critical.

Normal parents want the best for their kids and to help guide them. Narcissists “help” their children avoid mistakes by criticizing, in belief their “suggestions” aide their kids to achieve perfection, which is a reflection of themselves.

Are you afraid to show your mom your new outfit in fear that she’ll find everything wrong with it? Have you hesitated to try something new in fear you’ll fail in your parents’ eyes?

8.  They compete with you.

Friendly competition in a relationship is fun and healthy and can contribute to good self esteem. Narcissistic parents can turn competition unhealthy when they see their child’s achievements as a threat to their own self worth. They become jealous.

Has your parent ever said to you, “You’re pretty, but my hair was so much thicker than yours as a child”? Has your dad said to you, “You’re close, but you’ll never be as fast as I was”?

9.  They make you responsible for their happiness and well-being.

Normal parenting involves happy and sad times, with or without children. A toxic parent will turn their child into their substitute BFF or parent in order to take care of both their physical and emotional needs.

They make unreasonable demands of their children often forcing them to choose between them and their relationships with their friends or significant others. They often make them sacrifice healthy extracurricular activities and interests by guilting them into taking care of them.

The toxic parent can mask it as quality bonding when in reality what they’ve done is established an unhealthy relationship that doesn’t allow their child to grow into a happy, healthy independent individual.

Has your mom said to you “why are you going out with your friends? I thought the weekends are for us?” Or has your dad said, “you like your boyfriend more than me?”

10.  You’re still scared of them.

In a healthy relationship, one should be able to be themselves without fear that they’ll be criticized, made fun of, talked down to or disrespected.

Toxic parents, on the other hand, will use hurtful tactics like these, even on adult children, in order to maintain their hold. Especially when they think their kids are growing up and they’re “losing them.” As a result, children learn to be fearful of their parents, often expecting some sort of emotional, physical or financial punishment.

They learn to curb their behavior in order to please the toxic parent. Many children describe “walking on eggshells” waiting to see if their behavior was acceptable or if they should expect retribution.

Are you afraid to express your opinion or voice yourself in fear of being disrespected? Does your heart jump every time the phone rings because it may be your mom or dad calling?

This is actually what my blog contains in multiple posts as this was a running constant throughout my whole life and the reason why it has been almost a year since I have disconnected communication with my parents.