A (My) Dating Violence story

Posted on by DaisyVine

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness month and so I find it fitting to share a little about my last boyfriend except I wouldn’t consider it a boyfriend since 4 months was dating and then a year and 2.5 months was confusion/fear and eventually just survival. The outcome is that I had to file a stalking police report and further details of the relationship of why I stayed so long will be in later blogs.

The stigma around mental illness is shameful. That stigma is not only just for the individual diagnosed but also for people that have been affected because its not taken as a serious issue. The family and friends and anyone close to them experience a wide range of situations that can cause long lasting damage and issues. As a result there is a place for mental illness as an abuser in some situations, therefore the ones affected are their victims just the same. The picture may look different but the same label applies. Now in my situation I am referring to a combination of anxiety disorder, depression and ADD all in one person and diagnosed all at once.

I feel like either I have downplayed my situation with my ex-boyfriend or people just cant understand the damage that can and did occur. I have been reminded of it recently as he still goes to my gym and still thinks he gets to come up to me to say hi as if everything is greatness. Its not usually very often but in the past week he has been there 3 times the same time as me. I have come back at him multiple times since I left telling him to “get away from me and leave me alone” and I say it loud enough for those close to hear to ensure others hear me in case anything were to happen to me. I have recently started looking for a new church because it became too much even though in that situation he didn’t approach me. I made it near impossible for him because of where I sat and parked. Church is one of my safe and calm places and it just became too much of a distraction for me to enjoy. The gym is as well but its the one place I am taking a stand since that’s my place and I am claiming it as my territory.

I finally was able to leave over a year ago, November 2016, the week before Thanksgiving. Now here in lies another issue people have with any kind of abuse situation, the victim is criticized for not leaving sooner or at all. There are so many things that come into play for this to actually happen that people do not consider. The safety of the victim is priority and it took months for me to be able to do this with enough awareness I was going to be safe. Even though he never threatened me physically he had such rage when I would bring things up especially anything that would lead to me leaving that I had to learn how to disarm him so I would be safe. One time he even stood in front of the door (he is 6’1 and 220 pounds) and wouldn’t let me leave but the anger in me at the moment outweighed my fear of what he would do and I stood up to him with my fists clenched at my side ready for anything and all but yelled that he was to get out of my way immediately. You reach a point that you are braced for the beating but hope it doesnt happen and only people that have had to face this situation understand the mental aspect of this preparation. Thankfully this has never reached that point for me but I know women that have had worse. This guy didnt lay a hand on me but it could of gone the other way and my ex-husband did hit me so I was aware of the potential. These are very scary moments that I know I have only shared with my counselor and a few close girlfriends that understand, until I started this blog.

He had helped me move after dating 4 months and then just never left. This was not intended to be him moving in with me but this is how he took it and a week later as I was trying to figure out how to get him out or how to at least handle the situation he had a massive mental break of depression and anxiety and threatened suicide that now I was afraid of what he would do if I kicked him out since he knew where I lived. It was very traumatic. I got him help, only because I told him to go to the counselor and doctors or move out, and soon he was snoring because the meds were calming him enough to sleep better. So now I wasn’t sleeping and the sleep deprivation was destructive on me. I would just cry randomly because I was so exhausted and I gained 35 pounds in only a few months but wasn’t eating more and even still working out. Eventually I stopped working out because I was too drained. I would take ZQuil and chase it with red wine and still couldn’t sleep over his snoring. It was more than I could imagine and a living hell. So now this was on top of the stress he was causing by coming home in all kinds of manic mood swings. He would throw things and break things, of course only my things, and stay up all hours of the night keeping me up of course.

He is 10 years older than me and had never been diagnosed with anything before and didn’t handle it well so we would have fights about that too since he thought I was making shit up so I would “win” fights and all kinds of crazy talk. I was on suicide watch basically for 3 months straight before he finally started on meds. It took another 4 months before he finally went to a sleep study and was diagnosed to have to use a mask. I was sleeping on the couch for those four months and 90% of the time even after for the following 8 months which would also lead to fights but I was beyond done. I would tell him regularly to get out or let me leave but there was no having it which meant I could not get my things nor me out safely. I finally convinced him with our counselors help that I would move out as a trial separation but this was really a means to get me out safely and I was on my girlfriends couch for a couple weeks before I could find a place he couldn’t find me.

Even over a year later I have enough anxiety come back when he finds me at the gym that I just debate how much I allow him to make my decisions changing my life. Changing churches I am ok with but not my gym.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of man I will be able to be with since repairing myself has made me more strong than I could of imagined. I get guys that think I’m too broken or too bitchy or too picky when really I am just much stronger and vocal about what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I am good on my own unless they can handle it and be there for me like I need. Sometimes I also think writing this blog and putting all my shit out there for people to read is a turnoff for guys to date me but then I have to remind myself that someone that will be with me will think its wonderful I am putting it out there in the hopes of helping someone else or at the least to educate people on abuse from a survivors point of view. I have learned not to worry about what people think and even though it hurts when they criticize it reminds me that I am doing what I have intended which is standing up for me. That’s the biggest lesson people need to be reminded of because if you don’t stand up for you then no one else will. My getting into abusive relationships was not because of me being weak and not standing up for myself yet I still ended up in two.  Now I am that much more adamant to not put up with anything that is unhealthy for me and only I know where that boundary lies. I have had to end even girl friendships and left a few jobs because of coworkers or managers having a berating workplace environment (I got shingles from the stress of one co-workers behavior and treatment of me).

I feel like this lesson is across all of your life and once you start implementing you will feel safer, happier, less stress and ready to put that energy on other things in your life.

Know, recognize and respect your boundaries.

 

Our Tribes in Life

Posted on by DaisyVine

The holidays brings many things to mind for me but different than most. I honestly usually drink thru most of the holidays throughout the year so it will go quicker and I wont have to think about things. I have been getting better about it and can honestly say its been close to a year from the last time…Mothers Day. I miss my step children like no other I have ever felt. These are the moments I truly wonder what my life meaning is because I did not have any children.

I put my faith in God that regardless of my own mistakes or if its His plan that my not having children will fit perfectly in what is in store for my future. I truly believe it means that my future mate will have a family of his own. Of course what we want and what is best for our lives are not always the same but I absolutely loved being a mom and now that its not an option for me anymore its very heartbreaking. Of course I miss what I don’t have since I did not grow up with a close family being in Texas and my extended family is in Iowa and Minnesota for the most part. I have in the past 5+ years tried to visit every year but its not the same. I have been on my own since before I moved out of my parents house. I mean this to say that no one had my back or was there to help or mentor my path. I had no one to fall back on for guidance or support. I became very independent and cynical unfortunately which breeds distrust. I have made bad decisions but they were mine to own and recover from. The one time my parents helped was after my 2nd divorce (abusive and with the step kids) but they were so critical of my life choices and the control that my abuse counseling approved, without me even knowing to ask, their apartment housing program.

I have great friends that try to include me for the holidays and such and even girlfriends I can talk to about some things but I still don’t open up about everything I should. I am getting better at this and have a few that have earned my trust. I have started creating my circle but its only a few years old and very small.

I joke that I have children but they look different since they are not blood. I have three girlfriends that really are like daughters or little/big sisters. They are not the ones I go to for the big advice but they are there for me if I ever need anything and they know they can ask me anything they want with no judgement. I have helped with things like budgeting, job search, boyfriend advice, addiction and health. Its been a privilege to watch them change and learn through situations and I even pay the bar tab sometimes just so we can be together. Sometimes it takes a village and I am blessed to be a part of theirs.

There have been some people close to me recently that have lost some family unexpectedly and it just really emphasizes how precious life is and a reminder to live it to its fullest. Peoples opinions are just that and they are not the ones living your life so if you read this please remember to live with no regrets. Go for your dreams if its professionally, family, relationship or friendship. There may not be a tomorrow so whats stopping you? If people don’t like your choices and criticize/condemn you then they don’t have to be in your life. Its easier said than done but the ones close to me know that I live by this and keep my peace in my life and only the ones in my corner get to stay in my life. This doesn’t mean they agree with everything I do but they are there for me in their own supportive way which is how I know they are becoming part of my tribe or family. Life is too short for judgement…

My Children:

I was essentially a full time single step mom. This was not the intention nor the end result I had intended when we began dating. I was under the impression that they were his children and I was merely there to help. It started as an every other week visitation but their mom wouldnt show on multiple occasions. The last eight months we had them full time from a new custody battle which he won Primary.

The more I was around, especially once we moved in together in the house, the more I realized he expected them to raise themselves. They were 2, 3 and 6 at this time.

I therefore began becoming more and more their mother. When I would ask him about things they needed help with and things that needed to be discussed and their behavior, ect I was told that if I was going to be with him, they were part of the package and I should treat them as my own. The curve ball is that I didn’t have any children of my own and was learning as I went, on my own, since he wouldn’t help at all. This was yet another form of his abuse by threatening. Rather this would be what backfired on him in the end because they did considered me their mother and would of rather lived with me.

The kids and I had a rough road ahead of us working through many issues together. They were the only reason I put up with John for so long and all his abuse physically, verbally , sexually and emotionally. Pretty much in every way possible. I literally fought for them and to be with them…

I miss them with all my heart.

Stress Release

Posted on by DaisyVine

Running used to be my therapy for life.

As a result, I ran over a dozen half marathons, 4 full marathons and gained an absolute love for the power of endorphins! I did not fully understand and see this is what running had become for my life until I had eliminated my life’s stressors. I was not even aware some of the people and issues were stressors for me. I feel like some things and people and issues become more than we realize in our lives. I haven’t had a passion for running in the past year and I struggled with it as I felt I needed to keep running as it was part of my identity. So I forced a few miles here and there whenever I had some time.

I have had to decide what my exercise looks like going forward and that it will constantly evolve throughout my life. I have decided to appreciate running for what it was for me and now I run because I want to instead of that urgent need that drove me. I will always be a runner as it is part of me, but I think my days of pounding out life’s frustrations have passed. I currently am focusing more on strength training, weights. I feel empowered and stronger in many ways but it took some adjustment and some grudging workouts. I am not sure where this will take me but am enjoying the journey.

This reinforces to me that life is a constant journey. We must also remember that everyones life journey looks different. We never know what someone else is going thru or walking out of or going into on their journey. I have learned a lot this year about myself and have found more strength to gain than I knew was even in me. I have cut off relationships, stood up for people that didn’t have a voice of their own (even though it wasn’t my business, which is why many people do not step up for others), welcomed new relationships outside of convention and defined with much more scrutiny with the relationships I keep. Because of this I have been called many names and even outcast from multiple groups and people who are threatened by such truth in their world.

Insecurity can do a number on someone and cause actions and words towards others to hide their truth. The freedom I have so that I can move on and live my life knowing their words and actions come from such a bad place in their own life is more than I can express. Of course it hurts they are making me the focus for their own issues but that doesnt mean I allow it to control or dictate my life. Life is too short to live by others rules and try to please them all when they don’t even care about you. This is wasted energy you could be putting into your own happiness. These people don’t deserve to be in my life as my life is too precious.

It was commented recently to me on how do we not divulge too much information to people we are dating or people we meet ahead of the pace of the relationship. I asked why they would want to and they said that there are two questions that come up that they do not know how to not fully answer: Why did you get a divorce…Why are you still single. I feel like this is your own story and you chose what you want people to know and when you want them to know things. Since I am willing to finally put my business on such an open forum as this blog I will answer. Of course currently I am more open than normal with things because I have decided to be open about abuse and such but I was not always like this and was very private and actually ashamed.

Why did you get a divorce:  I have been married twice and the first time was just a situation that looked good on paper but we did get along and love each other. When serious topics and issues came up he would walk away and hope they went away. I am a fighter and never give up and want things out in the open and discuss them AND did not like feeling like I was the guy in the relationship as well as to just do whatever I wanted and make decisions for both of us all the time. He is a great guy but needs to be with a woman that is ok with this type of relationship. My second divorce I did not talk about until recently and would just ignore. This was the abusive relationship with my stepchildren. Even writing this makes my heart hurt since I still miss them with all my heart even though its been over 10 years. I regret not having children of my own but have actually never admitted this until this post. I consider them still my children even though they are not and just hope at this point that whoever I end up with has children. The older I get I know this also includes bonus packages of grandchildren to inherit. People actually question me if I will be open to someone having children as if I just don’t want kids in my life. I understand the need to ask but its also offensive and hurts. They just didn’t happen for me but I didn’t plan it that way.

Why are you single: I am happy on my own and as much as I would like to have someone in my life I also want them to be an addition to enhance my life. The typical argument that guys I date have with me is that I workout too much and want to eat healthier than they want. I like junk and treats but just not as often as they want. I also have been pegged to want to be with someone that works out as much as me and this is absolutely false. I workout at least 5 days a week for at least an hour each yet I want someone that is simply healthy to keep up with me and go to the gym together every once in awhile like once a week. Therefore I am single until some of these basic needs and wants are met which I am not holding my breath on so I continue to enjoy my life and not worry about it as much as others seem to worry for me. I have been told I am looking for perfection. I believe we should all look for what is a fit for our lives but that doesn’t mean the person is perfect.

 

Recently I came across a page on Facebook for Trent Shelton. I now follow him on Instagram and Twitter as well and have really enjoyed his platform of “Protect your Peace”. He does speaking engagements and has a private page just for us to be able to support each other with issues we are going thru and encourage each other. I love this reminder as we all need sometimes. His message goes from who we surround ourselves with and allow in our tribe to how we spend time on us to stay energized. Sometimes we take care of everyone and everything but ourselves. I am actually binge watching “Good Behavior” which is a show I have been sucked into since the first episode. This is my day to be energized by going to the gym and being at home alone. Its very peaceful for me and it makes me feel like I’m in my own private secret place. I have been told over and over that I am an extrovert since all they see on social media is me going and doing things. I don’t advertise the down time I take for myself. I may like to get out and experience different things but I also need my time to recharge. I value experiences more than things but this does not mean I am some social butterfly. It simply means I know how to act in almost any situation and want to experience them all. Everyones recharge time is different as well as their social engaging time with friends and the general public. There are no rules but only what you need, as long as its not purposely avoiding people because of depression issues and such. This is a very separate issue for people to acknowledge.

We all need to find our happy place and protect it at all costs. We also need to be reminded that solitary is not healthy as we are all meant to have someone in our lives to enjoy this journey called LIFE.

Todays blog actually was initiated by someones testament they posted on Facebook a few months ago about their own struggle with running as their stress release. I would like to give credit to Becky Leverett.

Counseling work

Posted on by DaisyVine

This was only part of the work I have done over the past 10 plus years and has paid off but still plenty of work to be done.

My biggest struggle was and still is:

knowing and learning how to express what I want and need in a healthy relationship since I have never had one fully

The most important thing I have learned about my situation:

Your gut feeling and intuitions is always on the right track. Sometimes its about you and sometimes its about them – learn to know the difference. Once you have done this put your boundaries up accordingly and stick to them wholeheartedly

When I feel lonely I do one of two things or both:

  1. Get into a social situation: movies, restaurant, party, friends, bar to observe mainly but just don’t be depressed at home.
  2. Stay home and shut everyone out for a few hours or a day and relax, collect and refuel again. Usually this is after being depressed.

Appreciations:

  1. Raising three wonderful kids with little to no help from him which gave me opportunities to learn about my capabilities of running a household, working, all while going to school
  2. Learning how strong I am and where I am weak
  3. All the little things from the kids: hugs when they knew I needed one, patient when they all needed me at once, loving and compassionate knowing their dad and mom treated me like crap, recognizing they treated me like crap, helping around the house and each other when I was busy or felt bad.
  4. They were a struggle but in the end were my only cheerleaders that saw what was going on. They were the only ones that validated me!

Resentments:

  1. Him not being a participant with me nor his children
  2. Using the kids as a way to use against me to keep me
  3. Not letting me see or talk to the kids after yet still harassing me and therefore I still live in fear of the unknown in a relationship and trusting friends.
  4. Using me as a babysitter when he was done with the relationship to have time to cheat on me with the pastors daughter, April, who was married with five children
  5. Willing to embarrass me in public with our friends and laugh with them at me
  6. Him getting involved in the church I suggested which is where he found April
  7. Helping and feeling obligated to help April and her kids
  8. April using me to get to Jon

Regrets:

  1. not keeping him accountable for his actions
  2. knowing where the boundaries should of been to protect myself
  3. helping April and her kids instead of enjoying time with mine
  4. missing so much time with the kids because of wanting to help April
  5. not continuing school
  6. moving jobs to appease him for the kids
  7. listening to my parents and losing my belongings to him
  8. not planning better to make it on my terms therefore having to start over with nothing
  9. allowing my credit to be screwed with nothing to show for it
  10. not listening to my own instincts and acting sooner.

 

 

Background (a little)

Posted on by DaisyVine

My parents are a bit on the religious side of the equation. They raised my brother and I the best they saw fit, provided the best they could and prepared us for independence the best they saw fit. This is what all parents do in raising their children. My parents are teachers and therefore have different requirements in the home. Growing up my dad dealt with high school students all day and didn’t want to deal with us when he got home. He expected us to behave perfect and never get out of line. His tolerance level was very limited. My mother on the other hand was very sheepish and afraid to state her opinions on anything ranging from her childrens discipline to financial matters. Over the years she has slowly learned to stand up for what she wants but its taken awhile to make any progress and there are far more hurdles for her to take on than she likes to admit. She has unfortunately mastered passive aggressiveness and taught me the wrong way to handle things accordingly. My mother would comfort us and take on damage control after the reign of my father had swept through. He was a workaholic and was rarely home. We were primarily raised by our mother.

Religion

There was a strict religious theme in the house which stretched to the music we listened to and the clothes we wore to the movies we watched and every other facet in life. We were in church when the doors were open and attended school unless we were almost to the point we should be in the hospital. I learned early on to depend on my friends for most everything emotional and such. My parents were only there for me when they agreed with what I was doing. Therefore I went to my friends or anything else to provide help and answers.

School

My senior year in high school I wanted to go to my best friends house to study for finals. We actually studied together and it helped a lot. I was told I was to study on my own and couldn’t leave to get help. I was so upset and felt so betrayed because I simply wanted to finish the best for me. I rarely studied for anything and was trying to end on as high a note as possible at the last of the year so I left and stayed with a girlfriend for almost a week. Needless to say this was not the best emotional environment to study. It was not in the best of neighborhoods. She had to walk with me to and from my car and her brother was the local drug dealer to name a few of the obstacles but I felt safe there since no one messed with him or his family. I had submersed myself into church as my getaway and independence. My dad ended up coming up to the church I attended to inform me to come home. Not really the best way to convince your child that felt betrayed.

Ongoing

Even though I was in church they disapproved of the church I had chosen to attend through high school and after and proceeded to make it clear regularly. There was no support whatsoever. Eventually I started dating and found a guy in church but he wasn’t good enough since he had been married before and had a child. He wasn’t good for me but they focused so much on the outwardly that I stayed with him being unable to know how to see the difference. This began a horrible pattern of making relationship decisions. I ended up getting kicked out of the house because they found out we were having sex. I was 19 by now and I’m not sure where else my dad thought I was going to live so of course I moved in with my boyfriend. They proceeded to not talk to me and I was not invited to anything as long as he was going to come with me so that meant never. This lasted 2 of the 4 years we were together before they started talking to me again. I ultimately was engaged to him but broke it off on my own.

 

Clif Notes Version

Posted on by DaisyVine

Our first Christmas:

We didn’t have his three kids on our first Christmas so we went to his grandparents with his family. We agreed he could drink and I would be the designated driver for beer runs and any driving. He ended up ignoring me the whole night and poking fun I wasn’t drinking while he proceeded to get drunk with his cousin. So now an agreed upon discussion ended up backfiring right in my face. They left for a beer run without telling anyone and were gone for awhile. I was not the only one worried. His mother and other family members were getting worried as well and we almost went out to start looking for them since it had been that long. By the time they got back I was past being worried about his safety and just completely pissed and questioning my life choices along with wondering what else they got besides beer. The others just dismissed it because this was normal behavior which I was unaware. I confronted him on why he left and drove when that’s why I wasn’t drinking. He proceeded to cuss me and yell at me on the front lawn and his family just went inside and let him have at it with me. During this I was told I was to go along with whatever he said and didn’t have an option going forward. This was not acceptable to me and he only continued to yell and cuss me on their front lawn. He had gone inside at one point and expected me to wait to be yelled and cussed at more which is when I left out of sheer fear for what was coming next. I got home and was so upset and scared not knowing what he was going to do to me since I left but his family wasn’t going to protect me so I just knew I couldn’t stay there a minute longer as he escalated.

I had driven to my parents house knowing they were out of town to try to find safety. He was calling and threatening and I didn’t want it to be worse so I went back home. I don’t think I stopped crying since I had left his familys house. When I got close to the house I called his mom and she was just leaving my house after dropping him off. He was cussing and yelling and drunk in the background. I asked her if it was safe for me to come home and she said yes. She cared more to stay in her sons good standing than of what he might do to me. He called looking for me as he was destroying my back door since he didn’t have a key. He proceeded to kick it in and come out the front.

I pulled into the driveway while his mother was pulling out. He stormed up to the truck with fists clenched and veins bulging and pounded on the window so hard I thought it would break in on me so I shielded my face the bet I could for the impact. Fortunately it didnt break but fearful he would find a way and also fearful of putting it in reverse as he was yelling and cussing me. I was so scared to even move or breathe. I was not sure if I was going to end up in the hospital but decided it would be no worse to get out of the truck since he was going to get to me one way or the other. I opened the door and he grabbed my phone out of my hand and slammed it on the driveway breaking it in little pieces all still while cussing and yelling. The names he thought of that night to call me were an endless loop of anything you can possibly think of that would be demeaning. We went inside and I was scared out of my mind. He hadn’t stopped yelling and cussing yet so I didn’t say too much. I just stood very stoic and no flinching (which I had gotten used to with my dad but thats for another post) and ready to brace whatever was going to come my way. He was in my face nose to nose and I knew at any moment I was going down and just braced for all possibilities. He instead would hit and destroy something right next to me. Once he went to bed I laid on the couch too scared to sleep because I was afraid he would do something to me while I was sleeping. I took the cordless home phone and went outside through the destroyed back door so he wouldnt hear me leave and got in my car and called the police. When they arrived they talked to me outside and talked to him inside. He knew being drunk and having guns in the house he would get arrested once he stepped outside. Therefore they escorted me inside to get some things for the night and I went to a girlfriends house. I was so confused and kept telling the cops “I don’t know what to do because I haven’t seen him like this before and this isn’t the guy I know.” They didn’t tell me about any shelters even though I told them I wouldn’t be able to stay at my girlfriends really more than one night. She didn’t tell me about anything either so I went back the next day not knowing what I was going back to but not seeing as I had a choice and it was my home. This would later be the detriment of our friendship as she did know it was abuse and did know about shelters and just didn’t want to get involved more than a one night stay. This is a topic for another post.

This set the stage of how the whole relationship would stay. Afterward I was blamed for cheating while I stayed with her that night. I was also accused of abandoning my family whenever it was too much. I was accused of not liking my step kids and wishing they weren’t born. I was also told on a regular basis that if the kids were too much to just leave. My world had turned upside down and this began the heightened state I remained in during the rest of our relationship for almost 4 years. The constant fight or flight trauma on my body, mind and spirit was more than I would wish on anyone and yet some have it worse.

Second Christmas:

I came home from the hospital after a minor day surgery. I was instructed there was not to be any sex for at least two weeks. The doctors orders were because the pain would be too much and it would rip the incision. This was not acceptable for him, and forced himself from behind no matter my protest. Threats of leaving just for the night to satisfy his own needs and then return home were part of his continued threats.

End:

We went to a Cowboys football game with his employees. We didn’t have the kids and he got tickets from work. The game was fine but as he was drinking and around his employees his attitude started changing. By the time the game was done he had almost completely transformed. They had all agreed to go to Red River after and drink and dance the night away. He was drunk by this time and refused to allow me to drive even though I hadn’t had a drink because I was supposed to be the designated driver. On the way he had called his ex wife to see if she was going out and wanted to stop by the same bar. I asked what the motivation was and that I didn’t agree nor could I understand why but when he is drunk he thinks different and you don’t want to question.

We got drinks right away from his cousin that was bartending and found a place to sit/hang. I got him out on the dance floor and while dancing he noticed Amy (ex wifes sister who he also had dated) was dancing near us with friends. I couldn’t believe she was there too and began to wonder if that’s who he had called as well. We went back to sit down and he left to get drinks. He was gone awhile and I started worrying that something happened so I went looking for him. I went back over to where his cousin was bartending to ask if he had seen him but to my surprise John was there talking to Amy and didn’t seem to care I saw them. She immediately came over and was trying to start stuff with me and I stood my ground with her even when she started in with the put downs and cussing and who he really wanted to be with and before I knew it I had hit her…on the arm. That’s the first time I ever hit anyone in anger. It felt good to stand up for myself but not that I sunk to her level. I tried to question him and look for some kind of reason to validate but he was too drunk to care which made things worse.

Back at the table one of his employees tried to dance with Amy and he just attacked him. The bouncers finally made it over and kicked them both out so we all left. He attacked him in the parking lot again and we managed to get him in the car. Little did I know that was the worst thing I could have done for myself. He started yelling and cussng at me and made me pull over a block away because he wanted to still fight him. He got back in the car without fighting because they had driven off. Then he proceeded to yell and cuss at me accusing me of cheating with guys I dated before him. I was crying so much I could barely see the road in front of me. This went on and on to what seemed like forever but really it was only about 15 minutes. He finally hit me in the face while I was driving and so I pulled over on the highway at an exit. We had one of his employees in the car with us in the back seat and he didn’t try to do anything to protect me even though he was bigger and could of restrained him. I felt so isolated and vulnerable. Once I pulled over the employee got out of the car and just left me there alone with him. I thought for sure I was going to the hospital that night,  just didn’t know how bad he would beat me or what he was going to do to me so I just braced myself for the continued hits. He continued to yell and cuss and accuse and I was still crying. I was in true survival mode but not what I was used to because this was not survival to keep the peace but survival for my life. I began to think what and how I could get out of the car and if he got out chasing me down what would I do. I began blocking him out so I could get it together enough to make these decisions. I made sure I had manuvuered my pruse in my lap since he wasn’t paying attention, which had my phone and money. I looked around where I had pulled over and the highway was on my left and the exit road on my right and the service road further on my right at the beltline and 183 exit. I surveyed where his employee had gone and how far away he was from the car in case I had to make a run for it quick.

During all this time he had hit the windshield and shattered into a million spider breaks and also hit me a few times open handed so it wouldn’t leave marks or bruises unfortunately but only left pain. I felt there was a break in the yelling and I opeed the door and got out. To my surprise he didn’t try to chase me down but did get into the drivers seat and continue the verbal bashing while driving next to me in the car trying to reach at my thru the window. He was accusing me of abandoning my family, he had blamed me for his not trying in the relationship because he knew I would just leave, he put a guilt trip about leaving the kids because all women in their life leave so how are they going to feel. All lies but he used it against me anything he could concoct.

He drove off and I walked to where the employee was sitting while I called my parents. I didn’t know what to do so I reverted to my partents. I was afraid he would get worse if I called the police and I had no marks so didn’t know if I even could call the police. Lack of knowing your options is a huge difference as knowledge is power. As I sat waiting for them to pick me up I debated calling the police. Unfortunately he had brainwashed me so much to not call them that I convinced myself it wasn’t that bad to call. I later saw on the credit card bill that he had gotten a hotel that night down the street from Amy.

Living Situation

I had no where to go once he kicked me out. I had no car and no money since he kept all of these and my mother had to come pick me up with one suitcase he allowed me to pack along with only approved items I could even take. I resolved that I would be with my parents until I figured things out. I was lost without my step kids and was in just a daze trying to figure out what I needed to do to protect myself.

Fear

Posted on by DaisyVine

I started this blog as a means to heal but ended up in fear of anyone finding it and left out names and details that were much needed to actually heal. I also didn’t write much for the same fear. Fear can come in many forms. I had made this blog anonymous so if it was found people would not know it was me. The judgement people put on survivors is unreal. We are made out to be weak and victims and maybe we even did or said something to deserve it because I have heard them all. Its a very vulnerable place to reveal you are a survivor especially when you start revealing details.

I left out details and names in the previous posts for that reason and because I did not want to call out and reveal the people involved including my parents. I have had other life events come my way which will eventually be covered in future posts that have helped me overcome this fear. People have also come into my life that have helped me see the fear as the reality it is instead of the built up monster in my head.

It has taken many hours of counseling and some painstakingly difficult inner searching and acceptance of myself and what I had become to even get to the point to start “re-programming” of sorts as I refer to myself. I didn’t learn a healthy relationship from my parents nor the family I closely grew up around and so to come out of counseling also means to relearn how to be healthy when you didn’t know what that meant from the beginning.

Self Respect

Posted on by DaisyVine

This is a very rare commodity. It is one of the most important secrets that people need to learn. Being able to put aside what others think of you is key to possessing such an important attribute. We may not receive a second chance in situations great or small so put all inhibitions aside and respond how you see fit to anyone or anything. There can not be any remorse. This takes away your power of the control in your life that you have worked towards. Mutual respect is much more important to help align yourself with likeminded or even encouraging people to make your dreams come true.

This is so important in romantic relationships and friendships. Relationships in general take self esteem, respect and honesty/trusting aspects alike. This seems so minute and trivial but it really is one of the top things to look at/for in a guy for a relationship.

Always look forward

Posted on by DaisyVine

Today starts a new day! I have decided to count out 30 days and reevaluate my life at that point with career, friends, love life and family. There has been some crap already this year and I needed a true reset.

Sometimes its ok to just “reset” your life and go from there to gain strength. There is no failing, just restarting. It has nothing to do with it being a New Year but everything to do with keeping my voice and confidence in me. This can be done at anytime in your life. I personally have literally put on my calendar a “countdown” from 30 days. Im excited and ready to see whats in store! Alot can happen in 30 days.

Commitment

Posted on by DaisyVine

There are many people in the world that have a myriad of different emotional issues. Commitment can be a very difficult and sensitive subject. Unfortunately I have dated, and even married, men that end up getting scared or having issues down the line with this topic. This time my now ex-boyfriend decided to pre-emptively breakup with the fear of not wanting to commit later and not ready to move on to the next level. After only a few months he decided to make this decision. I am obviously heartbroken as this decision. There is never a good time to do this, don’t get me wrong, but when you have something important the next day I would think thats a more wrong time. I ended up not getting any sleep that night which caused me to lack in my obligations. So at this point I am heartbroken AND pissed!

I asked him later why it had to be that night and not wait until after my important scheduling. He said he hadn’t even thought about it affecting them and was greatly apologetic. I then also said that most people break up with someone before the holidays like this when they just cant stand being with the person even one more day. He said he wasn’t thinking about that and had intended to wait another week but that’s just what happened when he called that night.

Now I explain all of this to show how a healthy breakup can look like.

He now says he loves me and truly just isn’t ready. Now I have a choice to make. Do I sit and wait and wallow or pick myself up and keep living my life? I take it day by day and eventually there will be enough days to allow me to move on or at least want to move on.