Some of the following is a repeat from “My Dating Violence” I have posted earlier. This comes at is from the mental illness side I feel with more detail about the situation:
In August he had helped me move into a studio apartment and then just never left. Conversations about what he was doing were not productive as his reality was that we lived together now…in a 380 sq ft apartment no less. This was only the beginning…
Coming home from work he was so high stress I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen anything like that before and was overwhelmed. His talk was suicidal and loss of hope in all aspects of his life. On the bad nights he would throw things (usually his things but he broke quite a bit of my belongings in these manic rants) around the apartment. He would make a drink usually and end up wandering outside rambling and restless leaving me to go out and try to rangle him back inside so he wouldnt hurt himself or get hit by a car or something. He would be inside restless which kept me on guard and left me stressed in my own home at all times. His drinking would escalate and take him to an even higher stress (manic) place. I never understood what a manic episode was until now.
On one of his worst nights, in the first two weeks in my apartment, he was up most of the night which means I was for most of it as well. He was still so high strung in the morning and had called in to work to stay home but I was so worried about his state of mind being home alone while I was at work that I didn’t know what to do so I took him to my dad and was late to work (this was a huge act of desperation for me as people that know my parents and my relationship). He seemed stable enough after about 30 minutes talking with my dad that I let him take me to work and be alone for the day. His needing to call in sick for the day because emotionally he was not able to go to work happened frequently. Between those days and the days he had a doctors appointment, he only had maybe one full five day work week by the end of the year (5 months) and even now (July) he hardly has worked the full work week.
I got to the point that I dreaded him coming home. I never knew what kind of version I was going to get but none of them were going to be good. I ended up running/working out fewer and fewer days because I just wanted to go home and relax in peace before he came home. The thought of even having to make something to eat was overwhelming and added to the situation so I would stop and get something most days. It was very lonely and draining. I didn’t really know who I could talk to and what to say. I tried to talk to girlfriends when I would get overwhelmed but they only would relate his situation to their bad relationships and didnt understand this wasnt a normal “bad boyfriend” situation. So now I have no one to talk to and not sure what to do so I continue to decline and the weight keeps coming on.
Some examples of the things I would have to hear him say to me once arriving home:
– Why are the counters in the kitchen not cleaned everyday leaving it to be gross when I come home. (I had stopped picking up after him and cleaning after him)
– Why don’t you cook something since your home or Why would you think I would want to eat what you cooked
– Why isn’t the place clean since your home (again I stopped picking up after him)….and when I did…this is what you call clean?
– I don’t have time to help wash clothes or get groceries on the weekend so you need to do it all everytime
– Why do you have to go to the gym Saturday or Sunday mornings since we don’t have time to get everything done (not sure what “things” he always thought needed to get done)
– Why isn’t the trash taken out when its full immediately
– Why are there dishes in the sink all the time (but he never helped)
– Why are you sleeping in, don’t you have to be at work (I was always exhausted with him keeping me up with his rants and snoring)
– Why cant you run my errands always since im busy (busy sitting on the couch watching porn I found later)
– Why cant you call my doctors all the time since I don’t have time ever
– I don’t ever close things like containers and such so you just have to get used to it in the kitchen and bathroom and anything (food would go bad and I spilled items since I didn’t know the lid wasn’t on when I took it from the cupboard)
– I don’t have time to do anything ever on the weekend so we can never go anywhere with friends (and I wasn’t allowed either and was beat down to even care to argue or stand up to him)
– I don’t want to ever meet your family but we have to do things with mine always
I had tried to give him a belated 50th birthday party at his brother in laws steak restaurant. I was doing it as a surprise so that if not many or anyone was able to make it he wouldn’t get more depressed and go off on me. The restaurant was an hour and a half away but I knew he wanted to see his sister above all people. I had gone to Phoenix on business the week before and he called one night being such an ass I hung up on him and refused to answer. Somehow he called the room in his poorly executed way of apologizing because he was still going off about who knows what anymore and there was no apology. All the rantings run into each other since they were all the same “poor me I have no reason to live” crap. I was so fed up with it that I told him about the party and that I was going to cancel. I should of just cancelled. The few times when we went out he would call me boring and no fun ever and very much demean me in that way. I was always the shit stop to his rantings.
I had gained 20 pounds by the end of the year (8 months). I didn’t want to work out. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I felt helpless and gross and fat. I felt trapped. I felt frozen and stuck. I cant explain it but it was a haze. I tried to start working out again in December a little more. I took the whole week of Christmas off to go to Branson to spend time with my dads side of the family. I actually didn’t really want to go since it causes stress to be with my parents because of their religious condescending but I definitely didn’t want to be at home and our office was closed for the week. I got to work out most days and spend time with my cousins so that part was nice. Roger had called the night or two before he was leaving and was in one of his stress heightened moods going off on stuff and me and meeting my family. At one point I told him one more word about it and im calling to cancel his plane ticket. I actually should of cancelled it.
I came back from Christmas determined to get my life back. I had by now requested he pack his things and find his own place at least twice. He would always refuse and say we can get thru this together. I was so beat down I didn’t have the energy to pack my own things and find a place so I stayed. I thought about getting a UHAUL and just packing his stuff and giving him the key when he came home one day. This would of taken so much energy and then he would still know where I lived and I wasnt sure if that was a safe decision for my physical safety. Hindsight I should of done this and called the police if he did anything. Its so incredibly hard to make such huge decisions when we are in such a heightened beat down place in life. Now I was ready to get back to taking care of me. I started really running again and about two weeks in or so I had knee pain. I had to stop and go thru the doctor appointments to find out what was wrong. After months of staying off of it I found out it was just the beginnings of arthritis but in the mean time I had gained another 10 pounds. I was then released and my other knee went out. Same thing with the doctors but a little quicker this time and instead I tried physical therapy so I wouldn’t overdo it going back. During that break I gained another 5 so now I am up 35 pounds from when we met one year ago (May).
By the end of July I was now back running my full 5 days and down a solid 5 pounds only three weeks in so I am encouraged. By the second week I started back solidly on my food and nutrition. The set backs are frustrating but im feeling better and more optimistic. I still feel fat and gross and still am a ways off from getting back into my clothes but it’s a good start. When I was released the second time to run I decided to just go to Walmart and get a few pants and shirts that fit better thru this period. It was a huge hit that I went from a size 6/8 to now a 12/13. I will be back in the smaller sizes but right now its really hard and sometimes defeating. Today my heel spurs hurt so bad after my workout and then walking around a fitness expo I had to put lidocaine cream on them twice before bed. I overdid it and the running also caught up to me. They have been hurting this week but it was manageable. I just need to take better care of the weak areas so I can keep going.
Our counseling has been very rocky as well. I told him in November we needed couples counseling. Primarily because I didn’t know what else to do with him spirling the way he was and that it was destroying us in the process. He said after the holidays he would have more time and I told him we wont make it thru the holidays. I found a “Christian based” counseling place and picked one that had Saturday hours so he didn’t need to take off work. It started out good and having someone other than me talk to him about things but was getting no where fast. After the holidays it progressively got worse and his actions and issues were being ignored since he didn’t display them in the sessions. The counselor didn’t take it as serious. I eventually walked out of a session soon into it and started walking home. Roger finished the session and called me and came and picked me up. He apologized and promised we would address the issues at hand in the next session. Well this didn’t happen and I blew up which I can count on one hand how many times this has happened in my life. The counselor did actually realize there was something going on enough to send him to a psychiatrist and also had individual sessions with Roger. I went twice individually as well so I could better understand what was going on and how was I supposed to get thru this with someone being diagnosed with who knows what yet. He felt there was depression issues for sure but advised me that I am not under any circumstance to criticize Roger in any way shape or form. I tried to ask how was I supposed to have normal conversations when something happened or needed to be discussed since he didn’t take any responsibility for anything that happened in life in general but he would just cut me off and repeat over and over again. I didn’t go back.
Eventually it got so bad with me not being able to run on top of everything else I finally got myself a counselor at the same place. By this point I was angry beyond possibly repair and had no interest in initiating anything positive anymore for anything. I was so exhausted physically from not getting good sleep…ever anymore from his snoring that I was misreble and wanted to cry all the time. I was done. The path for healing with depression is an unfamiliar one and not knowing what to expect and the repair that was possible made my decision process for the relationship foggy. My counselor walked me thru some hard lines for me to put in place. These were follow up doctor appointments for his feet, snoring and psychiatrist ADHD testing request. His (our) counselor now thought he was ready for couples counseling again and had me meet with him. I expressed that I didn’t feel like he was ready and why. I explained my hard lines that I needed to see or I was going to end the relationship. We talked about a few other things and he still felt like it was time so the following Saturday we met as a couple. He started by asking how we were doing. Roger said we were doing better. I agreed slightly but said it was not nearly good. I started to talk about the appointments that had yet to be made while keeping the tears at bay so I could talk. The counselor immediately started interrupting me and asking me over and over why I was berating Roger. I was only letting the counselor know he was not meeting my hard deadlines I had previously told him. He wouldn’t listen to what I was trying to say and just ignored me and kept asking over and over. This brought me to a point in 10 minutes to another blowup…yelling so much that I had to walk out in utter frustration and crying.
I walked across the street to a bench and Roger came out 15 minutes later. We actually had a few good talks that next week and I was feeling much better. He went to his counselor the next Saturday and ever since its only gotten worse. We have taken steps back and he has been more anxious and stressed. Friday he was back to his low point rambling. Tonight he was very distant even though he helped me with my heel spurs and put cream on them a few times. I went to sleep after reading since he wouldn’t come to bed with me and then when he did he wouldn’t even look at me or say goodnight or anything but to say he has a lot to think about and needs time. I don’t know if im included in this needing to think about things or not since he wont talk to me. I rolled over and read some more until I could go to sleep. Then an hour later or less he woke me up multiple times snoring so im on the couch…yet again. I have a hard time getting back to sleep sometimes when I have to come to the couch. Im sure its because by the time I come out here I have not only been woken up multiple times to make me awake enough to make the decision to come to the couch. But then I have to lay out the blanket and such to lay down and get as comfortable as possible. I layed there tonight for another hour and then couldn’t stand it anymore so decided to get back to this journal. This is one of those times that I immediately feel like I shouldn’t do this anymore.
I wonder if there has been too much damage regardless if he progresses. The verbal damage when he is in his raging rambling manic depression moods that he doesn’t even remember is coupled with the distant, uncaring, unknowing, care giver obligating role that I have to play and I still feel lonely and overwhelmed. The worst part is his memory has so many issues that he doesn’t remember half of what has happened nor the conversations we have had where I have reminded him and then he understands. We have to have those conversations over and over and it never sticks. My hurt and damage is so great yet he doesn’t remember doing most of it so he doesn’t know why im still like this and gets upset with me for being so distant among other things im sure yet it still needs to be addressed and my healing needs to happen.
I am so beat down that one bad night like this and I start thinking it needs to be done. I have checked out hotel pricing for the week a few times this year. Maybe I just need to do it one week…for me.
6/26/16 – This week I had my first anxiety attack regardless of how minor. I had a tight chest, very reduced to no appetite, diarrhea and difficulty sleeping for the second day and it was getting worse so after work Thursday I went to my doctor. It was the on call doctor at my family practice. He gave me a prescription for Xanax and then walked me thru a bit what was going on and advised me to reduce the stress even if it meant leaving the relationship. On my way to the doctor in stop and go traffic on 75 I got in a bumper accident. It was minor but still an accident. On top of it all Rogers first response when he called after I texted him on my way home was of criticism for not going to the emergency room and defensiveness that “oh this is my fault again”. I asked him that night to be the one to sleep on the couch when he started snoring and still refused all the times I moved him over until I finally woke up enough at 5:45am to get mad at him and reluctantly he went to the couch.
Today did not start off good but turned into a decent day together until he was on his 3rd 24oz drink of the evening. Then the rambling started. Accusations that I don’t want him to be “his real self” began, im not fun so he doesn’t want to do anything with me, I don’t let him speak his feelings, ect. I told him I don’t want to listen to drunken rambling and he wouldn’t remember most of it anyway tomorrow. Then it escalated to I judge him but he doesn’t judge me. He also finally stated (after attempting to throw something at me yelling and calling me names) he will only be sleeping on the couch the next couple weeks, until he receives his sleep machine, because after the testing he realized he needed help. The months I was misreble obviously didn’t count to him. He thought this was a martyr situation for him and not because he was giving me a break or recognizing he has a problem.
I don’t want to be with someone who feels the need to self medicate because he doesn’t feel like he is himself unless he drinks and his other reason is that he can because he can. Stupid reasons. He drinks every night he doesn’t work the next day and sometimes even when he does work the next day. This is not what I want my life to be and who to be with as a partner.
My counselor feels like I am only requiring the minimum from him to continue to stay and should be requesting more or I need to make my decision of how and when I will leave. This is not a healthy relationship for me and hasn’t been for awhile. There is more to keeping a relationship than love.
DaisyVine 