My last boyfriend was 50 years old and undiagnosed with mental issues. I left over 2.5 years ago and treatment had been going a year at that point with counseling and medication. They had diagnosed him with ADD, depression and anxiety but had others they wanted to test as they saw how the medication reacted.
I had written the following as a self care tool knowing I could never send. I didnt feel the need to even edit before posting. Its a very good description on how their brain processes and can even be used in normal relationships since leaving is never easy no matter the situation. I counsel many to stay strong and not respond in these situations when its best for both to walk away quietly. I have never said its easy as you can read below.
“I thought I had to mourn and be sad and angry about the loss of our relationship and you not in my life now. I then felt bad and heartless that I wasn’t really feeling these things. I have come to the realization that I went thru all of these emotions multiple times while with you and have processed them all almost completely before even ending things.
The stress and knot in my stomach and the feeling of something unfinished or missing comes back when I have to interact with you in any way that’s causing you to be all over the map emotionally. I have realized and processed tonight in yoga class that this is why I had to leave and not that there is now something missing or a loss. I am at peace all the other times and slowly getting used to that again.
I am missing relationship aspects that you were never able to even provide and someone to lean on when I rarely could rely on you to be there for me. You were all consumed in your own darkness that you don’t even know you weren’t there for me.
I have been on my own and alone for the last 15 months of our 19 month relationship except it was worse than that since I was also taking care of you. I had to talk you off the ledge almost daily for the first at least 3 months just for starters. You don’t remember the things you said to me and the names you called me and yet I never called you names or said anything I regret in anger.
I am at peace now and taking care of me. It’s the 2nd hardest thing I have done since leaving my step kids which will always be number one. The sad thing now for me that still adds to everything is having to hurt you over and over because you don’t even understand how we got to this place. Having to ignore your texts and pleads and cute loving things is actively knowing it’s hurting you again everytime. Unfortunately these are the very things that would of kept me but you were incapable and fought it every step of the way.
There’s nothing I can say to help you understand. I just keep praying you get there with counseling and stability of your meds and follow thru with doctors and prayer. It must be such a confusing place to be inside your head with this process missing.
I have to keep ignoring your texts and emails for us both. I hope one day you have the full understanding of what happened.
I will always care for you but not with you.
Love Michelle”
It can be hard to be the strong one but that doesnt mean you have to be strong and stay for that person. Sometimes its being strong enough to know when its over for the both of you.
DaisyVine 