Month: March 2018

This how you know they’ve crossed the line from annoying to toxic.

BY Lisa M. Douglas  May 11, 2017

2.      They don’t recognize your boundaries.

Normal parents can be interested and curious, but a toxic parent will take it too far and stomp over healthy boundaries that a child sets because they believe it’s their right to.

Has your parent busted open your bedroom door whenever they want? Do they endlessly pry into your phone and your private life? Do they listen in on your conversations and question you about them later?

Growing up I didn’t have a lot of friends. I had to leave my best friend in Iowa when we moved to Texas before my 5th grade year. I was just starting to get a girlfriend in Junior High and had her come over for a sleepover. My dad thought it was funny when we were going to bed to barge in the bedroom and flip the mattress on us which put her on the floor stuck between the bed and wall with me on top. He was laughing but I was totally embarrassed and she never came over again. I guess we didn’t give enough attention before we went to bed. I still don’t know what that was about but it really doesn’t matter because barging in on your daughter with a girlfriend over is totally unacceptable.

Whenever my parents thought I had done something wrong, which was hardly ever since I was so afraid of my dads temper, it was never a given of how he would react. He was very creative I guess you could say. One of the times he had done his yelling and bent me over the stool with his yardstick and spanked me but was still not satisfied since I wouldn’t cry. I learned at a very young age not to give him the satisfaction since I saw that as him winning. As I got older I got better at taking the spanking very stoic and it started really getting to him so this time I had just gotten to my room and shut the door and he was right behind me. He was so mad that when he tried to turn the knob on the door it wouldn’t open and he immediately thought I had locked it so he actually literally kicked down my door and proceeded to spank me again just because he was angry thinking I locked the door.

The fear of my dad was very real growing up. Eggshells just doesn’t cover it.

I have added my own experiences to the signs if it applied to my life…

 

“This is how you know they’ve crossed the line from annoying to toxic.”

BY Lisa M. Douglas

May 11, 2017

“Maybe you’re finding your dad to be a little more annoying than usual or you’ve looked around and noticed that your mom’s not like other moms. Maybe you’re finally realizing that it may not be normal to hide in your bedroom or screen your parents’ calls. Or maybe your SO is like “WTH with your home life?”

The technical definition of a narcissistic or toxic parent is someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with their offspring.

Basically, life is all about them and everything they do (or want you to do) is done to satisfy their needs. Oftentimes, it’s hard to recognize a toxic parent because most are disguised as caring people who immerse themselves in their children’s lives.

The involvement is a facade and what appears as devotion is not a selfless act but an effort to control and manipulate their kids through very close relationships with them. But how do you know if this is really what’s going on?

The problem with trying to figure out if you were affected by a toxic parent is that it takes the ability to self-reflect. You probably grew up thinking that the behavior in your house was normal and it may not be until you grew and matured that you had the ability to recognize that something was “off” in your house.

Unfortunately, the road to healing is often long and lonely because no toxic parent wants to admit that they have issues. The child of such a parent must muster up the strength and courage to stand up and make a change.

The good news is, if you’ve been raised by a toxic parent, you can be happy! Studies show that through therapy, you can overcome your abusive childhood and become an even better parent. The first step is to recognize it.

Think maybe you got “toxic parents”? Here are nine signs to help you decide (and deal).

 

1.      Their feelings always come before yours.

A good parent will consider how everyone in the family is affected when making decisions. The toxic parent will consider only his feelings and how decisions affect him, as those are the ones that count the most.

Has your parent said things like “It’s not enough to make me happy just to know that you’re happy”? Has your mother complained about the crappy nurse at the doctor’s office and how it affects her, as you’re lying in pain on the table? Red flags.”

There have been many times growing up and even as an adult that the above rings true in my parents household. There was definitely a “dad rules the house” mentality. This line is very blurred when you are receiving teaching in church from the Bible about obeying your parents and the father leads spiritually and any other way. Unfortunately there was no teaching about how the family is a unit to do things together and the rest of the family does have a say in the matter even if the father is the one who makes the final decisions. There were many decisions made that were detrimental to my brother and me growing up where the protection and encouragement was missing.

The one that impacted me the most was my freshman year in highschool. We had just bought a house and both my brother and I were in private school. They determined they could financially only send one of us to private school so they sent my brother. (It took both grandparents to help pay for us to go to private school) I was not given a choice, even though I voiced my choice but was ignored, that I was to stay home and homeschool myself one semester instead of going to the local public school. I was home alone all day and didnt get to do anything as they had promised with local homeschool families we knew at night or the weekends. I have truly never been so depressed in my life. I started contemplating how I could kill myself but there was no pain medicine or anything in the house to take an overdose. I tried talking to my mom about it crying how unhappy I was and that I wanted to kill myself but they would not hear of it and just kept promising to take me out to do things but never did with the reasoning they were tired. My dad did not want the “impression to people” that they couldnt afford private school and therefore had to put me in public school. His intention was to keep me at home until they could afford to send me back regardless of what it was doing to me. They cared more about what other people thought then about the damage it was doing to their daughter. I also missed a season of volleyball and basketball and was never really able to make it up in highschool with my other teammates. They could of at least let me practice with them or something. I just didnt understand and was severely suicidal and depressed and lonely.

After this situation I kept more to my friends and living at home became a necessary evil until I could leave. They had now showed me where I stood with them and the realization I would always have to take care of myself was a reality check I have never forgotten. I have taken care of myself ever since even when I have been in a relationship or married. I have yet to find someone (girlfriends or romantically) that can be a partner with me because I learned at a young age to be strong for myself.