February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness month and so I find it fitting to share a little about my last boyfriend except I wouldn’t consider it a boyfriend since 4 months was dating and then a year and 2.5 months was confusion/fear and eventually just survival. The outcome is that I had to file a stalking police report and further details of the relationship of why I stayed so long will be in later blogs.
The stigma around mental illness is shameful. That stigma is not only just for the individual diagnosed but also for people that have been affected because its not taken as a serious issue. The family and friends and anyone close to them experience a wide range of situations that can cause long lasting damage and issues. As a result there is a place for mental illness as an abuser in some situations, therefore the ones affected are their victims just the same. The picture may look different but the same label applies. Now in my situation I am referring to a combination of anxiety disorder, depression and ADD all in one person and diagnosed all at once.
I feel like either I have downplayed my situation with my ex-boyfriend or people just cant understand the damage that can and did occur. I have been reminded of it recently as he still goes to my gym and still thinks he gets to come up to me to say hi as if everything is greatness. Its not usually very often but in the past week he has been there 3 times the same time as me. I have come back at him multiple times since I left telling him to “get away from me and leave me alone” and I say it loud enough for those close to hear to ensure others hear me in case anything were to happen to me. I have recently started looking for a new church because it became too much even though in that situation he didn’t approach me. I made it near impossible for him because of where I sat and parked. Church is one of my safe and calm places and it just became too much of a distraction for me to enjoy. The gym is as well but its the one place I am taking a stand since that’s my place and I am claiming it as my territory.
I finally was able to leave over a year ago, November 2016, the week before Thanksgiving. Now here in lies another issue people have with any kind of abuse situation, the victim is criticized for not leaving sooner or at all. There are so many things that come into play for this to actually happen that people do not consider. The safety of the victim is priority and it took months for me to be able to do this with enough awareness I was going to be safe. Even though he never threatened me physically he had such rage when I would bring things up especially anything that would lead to me leaving that I had to learn how to disarm him so I would be safe. One time he even stood in front of the door (he is 6’1 and 220 pounds) and wouldn’t let me leave but the anger in me at the moment outweighed my fear of what he would do and I stood up to him with my fists clenched at my side ready for anything and all but yelled that he was to get out of my way immediately. You reach a point that you are braced for the beating but hope it doesnt happen and only people that have had to face this situation understand the mental aspect of this preparation. Thankfully this has never reached that point for me but I know women that have had worse. This guy didnt lay a hand on me but it could of gone the other way and my ex-husband did hit me so I was aware of the potential. These are very scary moments that I know I have only shared with my counselor and a few close girlfriends that understand, until I started this blog.
He had helped me move after dating 4 months and then just never left. This was not intended to be him moving in with me but this is how he took it and a week later as I was trying to figure out how to get him out or how to at least handle the situation he had a massive mental break of depression and anxiety and threatened suicide that now I was afraid of what he would do if I kicked him out since he knew where I lived. It was very traumatic. I got him help, only because I told him to go to the counselor and doctors or move out, and soon he was snoring because the meds were calming him enough to sleep better. So now I wasn’t sleeping and the sleep deprivation was destructive on me. I would just cry randomly because I was so exhausted and I gained 35 pounds in only a few months but wasn’t eating more and even still working out. Eventually I stopped working out because I was too drained. I would take ZQuil and chase it with red wine and still couldn’t sleep over his snoring. It was more than I could imagine and a living hell. So now this was on top of the stress he was causing by coming home in all kinds of manic mood swings. He would throw things and break things, of course only my things, and stay up all hours of the night keeping me up of course.
He is 10 years older than me and had never been diagnosed with anything before and didn’t handle it well so we would have fights about that too since he thought I was making shit up so I would “win” fights and all kinds of crazy talk. I was on suicide watch basically for 3 months straight before he finally started on meds. It took another 4 months before he finally went to a sleep study and was diagnosed to have to use a mask. I was sleeping on the couch for those four months and 90% of the time even after for the following 8 months which would also lead to fights but I was beyond done. I would tell him regularly to get out or let me leave but there was no having it which meant I could not get my things nor me out safely. I finally convinced him with our counselors help that I would move out as a trial separation but this was really a means to get me out safely and I was on my girlfriends couch for a couple weeks before I could find a place he couldn’t find me.
Even over a year later I have enough anxiety come back when he finds me at the gym that I just debate how much I allow him to make my decisions changing my life. Changing churches I am ok with but not my gym.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of man I will be able to be with since repairing myself has made me more strong than I could of imagined. I get guys that think I’m too broken or too bitchy or too picky when really I am just much stronger and vocal about what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I am good on my own unless they can handle it and be there for me like I need. Sometimes I also think writing this blog and putting all my shit out there for people to read is a turnoff for guys to date me but then I have to remind myself that someone that will be with me will think its wonderful I am putting it out there in the hopes of helping someone else or at the least to educate people on abuse from a survivors point of view. I have learned not to worry about what people think and even though it hurts when they criticize it reminds me that I am doing what I have intended which is standing up for me. That’s the biggest lesson people need to be reminded of because if you don’t stand up for you then no one else will. My getting into abusive relationships was not because of me being weak and not standing up for myself yet I still ended up in two. Now I am that much more adamant to not put up with anything that is unhealthy for me and only I know where that boundary lies. I have had to end even girl friendships and left a few jobs because of coworkers or managers having a berating workplace environment (I got shingles from the stress of one co-workers behavior and treatment of me).
I feel like this lesson is across all of your life and once you start implementing you will feel safer, happier, less stress and ready to put that energy on other things in your life.
Know, recognize and respect your boundaries.
DaisyVine 