The holidays brings many things to mind for me but different than most. I honestly usually drink thru most of the holidays throughout the year so it will go quicker and I wont have to think about things. I have been getting better about it and can honestly say its been close to a year from the last time…Mothers Day. I miss my step children like no other I have ever felt. These are the moments I truly wonder what my life meaning is because I did not have any children.
I put my faith in God that regardless of my own mistakes or if its His plan that my not having children will fit perfectly in what is in store for my future. I truly believe it means that my future mate will have a family of his own. Of course what we want and what is best for our lives are not always the same but I absolutely loved being a mom and now that its not an option for me anymore its very heartbreaking. Of course I miss what I don’t have since I did not grow up with a close family being in Texas and my extended family is in Iowa and Minnesota for the most part. I have in the past 5+ years tried to visit every year but its not the same. I have been on my own since before I moved out of my parents house. I mean this to say that no one had my back or was there to help or mentor my path. I had no one to fall back on for guidance or support. I became very independent and cynical unfortunately which breeds distrust. I have made bad decisions but they were mine to own and recover from. The one time my parents helped was after my 2nd divorce (abusive and with the step kids) but they were so critical of my life choices and the control that my abuse counseling approved, without me even knowing to ask, their apartment housing program.
I have great friends that try to include me for the holidays and such and even girlfriends I can talk to about some things but I still don’t open up about everything I should. I am getting better at this and have a few that have earned my trust. I have started creating my circle but its only a few years old and very small.
I joke that I have children but they look different since they are not blood. I have three girlfriends that really are like daughters or little/big sisters. They are not the ones I go to for the big advice but they are there for me if I ever need anything and they know they can ask me anything they want with no judgement. I have helped with things like budgeting, job search, boyfriend advice, addiction and health. Its been a privilege to watch them change and learn through situations and I even pay the bar tab sometimes just so we can be together. Sometimes it takes a village and I am blessed to be a part of theirs.
There have been some people close to me recently that have lost some family unexpectedly and it just really emphasizes how precious life is and a reminder to live it to its fullest. Peoples opinions are just that and they are not the ones living your life so if you read this please remember to live with no regrets. Go for your dreams if its professionally, family, relationship or friendship. There may not be a tomorrow so whats stopping you? If people don’t like your choices and criticize/condemn you then they don’t have to be in your life. Its easier said than done but the ones close to me know that I live by this and keep my peace in my life and only the ones in my corner get to stay in my life. This doesn’t mean they agree with everything I do but they are there for me in their own supportive way which is how I know they are becoming part of my tribe or family. Life is too short for judgement…
My Children:
I was essentially a full time single step mom. This was not the intention nor the end result I had intended when we began dating. I was under the impression that they were his children and I was merely there to help. It started as an every other week visitation but their mom wouldnt show on multiple occasions. The last eight months we had them full time from a new custody battle which he won Primary.
The more I was around, especially once we moved in together in the house, the more I realized he expected them to raise themselves. They were 2, 3 and 6 at this time.
I therefore began becoming more and more their mother. When I would ask him about things they needed help with and things that needed to be discussed and their behavior, ect I was told that if I was going to be with him, they were part of the package and I should treat them as my own. The curve ball is that I didn’t have any children of my own and was learning as I went, on my own, since he wouldn’t help at all. This was yet another form of his abuse by threatening. Rather this would be what backfired on him in the end because they did considered me their mother and would of rather lived with me.
The kids and I had a rough road ahead of us working through many issues together. They were the only reason I put up with John for so long and all his abuse physically, verbally , sexually and emotionally. Pretty much in every way possible. I literally fought for them and to be with them…
I miss them with all my heart.
DaisyVine 