Stress Release

I have had to decide what my exercise looks like going forward and that it will constantly evolve throughout my life. I have decided to appreciate running for what it was for me and now I run because I want to instead of that urgent need that drove me. I will always be a runner as it is part of me, but I think my days of pounding out life’s frustrations have passed. I currently am focusing more on strength training, weights. I feel empowered and stronger in many ways but it took some adjustment and some grudging workouts. I am not sure where this will take me but am enjoying the journey.

This reinforces to me that life is a constant journey. We must also remember that everyones life journey looks different. We never know what someone else is going thru or walking out of or going into on their journey. I have learned a lot this year about myself and have found more strength to gain than I knew was even in me. I have cut off relationships, stood up for people that didn’t have a voice of their own (even though it wasn’t my business, which is why many people do not step up for others), welcomed new relationships outside of convention and defined with much more scrutiny with the relationships I keep. Because of this I have been called many names and even outcast from multiple groups and people who are threatened by such truth in their world.

Insecurity can do a number on someone and cause actions and words towards others to hide their truth. The freedom I have so that I can move on and live my life knowing their words and actions come from such a bad place in their own life is more than I can express. Of course it hurts they are making me the focus for their own issues but that doesnt mean I allow it to control or dictate my life. Life is too short to live by others rules and try to please them all when they don’t even care about you. This is wasted energy you could be putting into your own happiness. These people don’t deserve to be in my life as my life is too precious.

It was commented recently to me on how do we not divulge too much information to people we are dating or people we meet ahead of the pace of the relationship. I asked why they would want to and they said that there are two questions that come up that they do not know how to not fully answer: Why did you get a divorce…Why are you still single. I feel like this is your own story and you chose what you want people to know and when you want them to know things. Since I am willing to finally put my business on such an open forum as this blog I will answer. Of course currently I am more open than normal with things because I have decided to be open about abuse and such but I was not always like this and was very private and actually ashamed.

Why did you get a divorce:  I have been married twice and the first time was just a situation that looked good on paper but we did get along and love each other. When serious topics and issues came up he would walk away and hope they went away. I am a fighter and never give up and want things out in the open and discuss them AND did not like feeling like I was the guy in the relationship as well as to just do whatever I wanted and make decisions for both of us all the time. He is a great guy but needs to be with a woman that is ok with this type of relationship. My second divorce I did not talk about until recently and would just ignore. This was the abusive relationship with my stepchildren. Even writing this makes my heart hurt since I still miss them with all my heart even though its been over 10 years. I regret not having children of my own but have actually never admitted this until this post. I consider them still my children even though they are not and just hope at this point that whoever I end up with has children. The older I get I know this also includes bonus packages of grandchildren to inherit. People actually question me if I will be open to someone having children as if I just don’t want kids in my life. I understand the need to ask but its also offensive and hurts. They just didn’t happen for me but I didn’t plan it that way.

Why are you single: I am happy on my own and as much as I would like to have someone in my life I also want them to be an addition to enhance my life. The typical argument that guys I date have with me is that I workout too much and want to eat healthier than they want. I like junk and treats but just not as often as they want. I also have been pegged to want to be with someone that works out as much as me and this is absolutely false. I workout at least 5 days a week for at least an hour each yet I want someone that is simply healthy to keep up with me and go to the gym together every once in awhile like once a week. Therefore I am single until some of these basic needs and wants are met which I am not holding my breath on so I continue to enjoy my life and not worry about it as much as others seem to worry for me. I have been told I am looking for perfection. I believe we should all look for what is a fit for our lives but that doesn’t mean the person is perfect.