Our Tribes in Life

Posted on by DaisyVine

The holidays brings many things to mind for me but different than most. I honestly usually drink thru most of the holidays throughout the year so it will go quicker and I wont have to think about things. I have been getting better about it and can honestly say its been close to a year from the last time…Mothers Day. I miss my step children like no other I have ever felt. These are the moments I truly wonder what my life meaning is because I did not have any children.

I put my faith in God that regardless of my own mistakes or if its His plan that my not having children will fit perfectly in what is in store for my future. I truly believe it means that my future mate will have a family of his own. Of course what we want and what is best for our lives are not always the same but I absolutely loved being a mom and now that its not an option for me anymore its very heartbreaking. Of course I miss what I don’t have since I did not grow up with a close family being in Texas and my extended family is in Iowa and Minnesota for the most part. I have in the past 5+ years tried to visit every year but its not the same. I have been on my own since before I moved out of my parents house. I mean this to say that no one had my back or was there to help or mentor my path. I had no one to fall back on for guidance or support. I became very independent and cynical unfortunately which breeds distrust. I have made bad decisions but they were mine to own and recover from. The one time my parents helped was after my 2nd divorce (abusive and with the step kids) but they were so critical of my life choices and the control that my abuse counseling approved, without me even knowing to ask, their apartment housing program.

I have great friends that try to include me for the holidays and such and even girlfriends I can talk to about some things but I still don’t open up about everything I should. I am getting better at this and have a few that have earned my trust. I have started creating my circle but its only a few years old and very small.

I joke that I have children but they look different since they are not blood. I have three girlfriends that really are like daughters or little/big sisters. They are not the ones I go to for the big advice but they are there for me if I ever need anything and they know they can ask me anything they want with no judgement. I have helped with things like budgeting, job search, boyfriend advice, addiction and health. Its been a privilege to watch them change and learn through situations and I even pay the bar tab sometimes just so we can be together. Sometimes it takes a village and I am blessed to be a part of theirs.

There have been some people close to me recently that have lost some family unexpectedly and it just really emphasizes how precious life is and a reminder to live it to its fullest. Peoples opinions are just that and they are not the ones living your life so if you read this please remember to live with no regrets. Go for your dreams if its professionally, family, relationship or friendship. There may not be a tomorrow so whats stopping you? If people don’t like your choices and criticize/condemn you then they don’t have to be in your life. Its easier said than done but the ones close to me know that I live by this and keep my peace in my life and only the ones in my corner get to stay in my life. This doesn’t mean they agree with everything I do but they are there for me in their own supportive way which is how I know they are becoming part of my tribe or family. Life is too short for judgement…

My Children:

I was essentially a full time single step mom. This was not the intention nor the end result I had intended when we began dating. I was under the impression that they were his children and I was merely there to help. It started as an every other week visitation but their mom wouldnt show on multiple occasions. The last eight months we had them full time from a new custody battle which he won Primary.

The more I was around, especially once we moved in together in the house, the more I realized he expected them to raise themselves. They were 2, 3 and 6 at this time.

I therefore began becoming more and more their mother. When I would ask him about things they needed help with and things that needed to be discussed and their behavior, ect I was told that if I was going to be with him, they were part of the package and I should treat them as my own. The curve ball is that I didn’t have any children of my own and was learning as I went, on my own, since he wouldn’t help at all. This was yet another form of his abuse by threatening. Rather this would be what backfired on him in the end because they did considered me their mother and would of rather lived with me.

The kids and I had a rough road ahead of us working through many issues together. They were the only reason I put up with John for so long and all his abuse physically, verbally , sexually and emotionally. Pretty much in every way possible. I literally fought for them and to be with them…

I miss them with all my heart.

Stress Release

Posted on by DaisyVine

Running used to be my therapy for life.

As a result, I ran over a dozen half marathons, 4 full marathons and gained an absolute love for the power of endorphins! I did not fully understand and see this is what running had become for my life until I had eliminated my life’s stressors. I was not even aware some of the people and issues were stressors for me. I feel like some things and people and issues become more than we realize in our lives. I haven’t had a passion for running in the past year and I struggled with it as I felt I needed to keep running as it was part of my identity. So I forced a few miles here and there whenever I had some time.

I have had to decide what my exercise looks like going forward and that it will constantly evolve throughout my life. I have decided to appreciate running for what it was for me and now I run because I want to instead of that urgent need that drove me. I will always be a runner as it is part of me, but I think my days of pounding out life’s frustrations have passed. I currently am focusing more on strength training, weights. I feel empowered and stronger in many ways but it took some adjustment and some grudging workouts. I am not sure where this will take me but am enjoying the journey.

This reinforces to me that life is a constant journey. We must also remember that everyones life journey looks different. We never know what someone else is going thru or walking out of or going into on their journey. I have learned a lot this year about myself and have found more strength to gain than I knew was even in me. I have cut off relationships, stood up for people that didn’t have a voice of their own (even though it wasn’t my business, which is why many people do not step up for others), welcomed new relationships outside of convention and defined with much more scrutiny with the relationships I keep. Because of this I have been called many names and even outcast from multiple groups and people who are threatened by such truth in their world.

Insecurity can do a number on someone and cause actions and words towards others to hide their truth. The freedom I have so that I can move on and live my life knowing their words and actions come from such a bad place in their own life is more than I can express. Of course it hurts they are making me the focus for their own issues but that doesnt mean I allow it to control or dictate my life. Life is too short to live by others rules and try to please them all when they don’t even care about you. This is wasted energy you could be putting into your own happiness. These people don’t deserve to be in my life as my life is too precious.

It was commented recently to me on how do we not divulge too much information to people we are dating or people we meet ahead of the pace of the relationship. I asked why they would want to and they said that there are two questions that come up that they do not know how to not fully answer: Why did you get a divorce…Why are you still single. I feel like this is your own story and you chose what you want people to know and when you want them to know things. Since I am willing to finally put my business on such an open forum as this blog I will answer. Of course currently I am more open than normal with things because I have decided to be open about abuse and such but I was not always like this and was very private and actually ashamed.

Why did you get a divorce:  I have been married twice and the first time was just a situation that looked good on paper but we did get along and love each other. When serious topics and issues came up he would walk away and hope they went away. I am a fighter and never give up and want things out in the open and discuss them AND did not like feeling like I was the guy in the relationship as well as to just do whatever I wanted and make decisions for both of us all the time. He is a great guy but needs to be with a woman that is ok with this type of relationship. My second divorce I did not talk about until recently and would just ignore. This was the abusive relationship with my stepchildren. Even writing this makes my heart hurt since I still miss them with all my heart even though its been over 10 years. I regret not having children of my own but have actually never admitted this until this post. I consider them still my children even though they are not and just hope at this point that whoever I end up with has children. The older I get I know this also includes bonus packages of grandchildren to inherit. People actually question me if I will be open to someone having children as if I just don’t want kids in my life. I understand the need to ask but its also offensive and hurts. They just didn’t happen for me but I didn’t plan it that way.

Why are you single: I am happy on my own and as much as I would like to have someone in my life I also want them to be an addition to enhance my life. The typical argument that guys I date have with me is that I workout too much and want to eat healthier than they want. I like junk and treats but just not as often as they want. I also have been pegged to want to be with someone that works out as much as me and this is absolutely false. I workout at least 5 days a week for at least an hour each yet I want someone that is simply healthy to keep up with me and go to the gym together every once in awhile like once a week. Therefore I am single until some of these basic needs and wants are met which I am not holding my breath on so I continue to enjoy my life and not worry about it as much as others seem to worry for me. I have been told I am looking for perfection. I believe we should all look for what is a fit for our lives but that doesn’t mean the person is perfect.

 

Recently I came across a page on Facebook for Trent Shelton. I now follow him on Instagram and Twitter as well and have really enjoyed his platform of “Protect your Peace”. He does speaking engagements and has a private page just for us to be able to support each other with issues we are going thru and encourage each other. I love this reminder as we all need sometimes. His message goes from who we surround ourselves with and allow in our tribe to how we spend time on us to stay energized. Sometimes we take care of everyone and everything but ourselves. I am actually binge watching “Good Behavior” which is a show I have been sucked into since the first episode. This is my day to be energized by going to the gym and being at home alone. Its very peaceful for me and it makes me feel like I’m in my own private secret place. I have been told over and over that I am an extrovert since all they see on social media is me going and doing things. I don’t advertise the down time I take for myself. I may like to get out and experience different things but I also need my time to recharge. I value experiences more than things but this does not mean I am some social butterfly. It simply means I know how to act in almost any situation and want to experience them all. Everyones recharge time is different as well as their social engaging time with friends and the general public. There are no rules but only what you need, as long as its not purposely avoiding people because of depression issues and such. This is a very separate issue for people to acknowledge.

We all need to find our happy place and protect it at all costs. We also need to be reminded that solitary is not healthy as we are all meant to have someone in our lives to enjoy this journey called LIFE.

Todays blog actually was initiated by someones testament they posted on Facebook a few months ago about their own struggle with running as their stress release. I would like to give credit to Becky Leverett.