This was only part of the work I have done over the past 10 plus years and has paid off but still plenty of work to be done.
My biggest struggle was and still is:
knowing and learning how to express what I want and need in a healthy relationship since I have never had one fully
The most important thing I have learned about my situation:
Your gut feeling and intuitions is always on the right track. Sometimes its about you and sometimes its about them – learn to know the difference. Once you have done this put your boundaries up accordingly and stick to them wholeheartedly
When I feel lonely I do one of two things or both:
- Get into a social situation: movies, restaurant, party, friends, bar to observe mainly but just don’t be depressed at home.
- Stay home and shut everyone out for a few hours or a day and relax, collect and refuel again. Usually this is after being depressed.
Appreciations:
- Raising three wonderful kids with little to no help from him which gave me opportunities to learn about my capabilities of running a household, working, all while going to school
- Learning how strong I am and where I am weak
- All the little things from the kids: hugs when they knew I needed one, patient when they all needed me at once, loving and compassionate knowing their dad and mom treated me like crap, recognizing they treated me like crap, helping around the house and each other when I was busy or felt bad.
- They were a struggle but in the end were my only cheerleaders that saw what was going on. They were the only ones that validated me!
Resentments:
- Him not being a participant with me nor his children
- Using the kids as a way to use against me to keep me
- Not letting me see or talk to the kids after yet still harassing me and therefore I still live in fear of the unknown in a relationship and trusting friends.
- Using me as a babysitter when he was done with the relationship to have time to cheat on me with the pastors daughter, April, who was married with five children
- Willing to embarrass me in public with our friends and laugh with them at me
- Him getting involved in the church I suggested which is where he found April
- Helping and feeling obligated to help April and her kids
- April using me to get to Jon
Regrets:
- not keeping him accountable for his actions
- knowing where the boundaries should of been to protect myself
- helping April and her kids instead of enjoying time with mine
- missing so much time with the kids because of wanting to help April
- not continuing school
- moving jobs to appease him for the kids
- listening to my parents and losing my belongings to him
- not planning better to make it on my terms therefore having to start over with nothing
- allowing my credit to be screwed with nothing to show for it
- not listening to my own instincts and acting sooner.
DaisyVine 