Background (a little)

Posted on by DaisyVine

My parents are a bit on the religious side of the equation. They raised my brother and I the best they saw fit, provided the best they could and prepared us for independence the best they saw fit. This is what all parents do in raising their children. My parents are teachers and therefore have different requirements in the home. Growing up my dad dealt with high school students all day and didn’t want to deal with us when he got home. He expected us to behave perfect and never get out of line. His tolerance level was very limited. My mother on the other hand was very sheepish and afraid to state her opinions on anything ranging from her childrens discipline to financial matters. Over the years she has slowly learned to stand up for what she wants but its taken awhile to make any progress and there are far more hurdles for her to take on than she likes to admit. She has unfortunately mastered passive aggressiveness and taught me the wrong way to handle things accordingly. My mother would comfort us and take on damage control after the reign of my father had swept through. He was a workaholic and was rarely home. We were primarily raised by our mother.

Religion

There was a strict religious theme in the house which stretched to the music we listened to and the clothes we wore to the movies we watched and every other facet in life. We were in church when the doors were open and attended school unless we were almost to the point we should be in the hospital. I learned early on to depend on my friends for most everything emotional and such. My parents were only there for me when they agreed with what I was doing. Therefore I went to my friends or anything else to provide help and answers.

School

My senior year in high school I wanted to go to my best friends house to study for finals. We actually studied together and it helped a lot. I was told I was to study on my own and couldn’t leave to get help. I was so upset and felt so betrayed because I simply wanted to finish the best for me. I rarely studied for anything and was trying to end on as high a note as possible at the last of the year so I left and stayed with a girlfriend for almost a week. Needless to say this was not the best emotional environment to study. It was not in the best of neighborhoods. She had to walk with me to and from my car and her brother was the local drug dealer to name a few of the obstacles but I felt safe there since no one messed with him or his family. I had submersed myself into church as my getaway and independence. My dad ended up coming up to the church I attended to inform me to come home. Not really the best way to convince your child that felt betrayed.

Ongoing

Even though I was in church they disapproved of the church I had chosen to attend through high school and after and proceeded to make it clear regularly. There was no support whatsoever. Eventually I started dating and found a guy in church but he wasn’t good enough since he had been married before and had a child. He wasn’t good for me but they focused so much on the outwardly that I stayed with him being unable to know how to see the difference. This began a horrible pattern of making relationship decisions. I ended up getting kicked out of the house because they found out we were having sex. I was 19 by now and I’m not sure where else my dad thought I was going to live so of course I moved in with my boyfriend. They proceeded to not talk to me and I was not invited to anything as long as he was going to come with me so that meant never. This lasted 2 of the 4 years we were together before they started talking to me again. I ultimately was engaged to him but broke it off on my own.

 

Clif Notes Version

Posted on by DaisyVine

Our first Christmas:

We didn’t have his three kids on our first Christmas so we went to his grandparents with his family. We agreed he could drink and I would be the designated driver for beer runs and any driving. He ended up ignoring me the whole night and poking fun I wasn’t drinking while he proceeded to get drunk with his cousin. So now an agreed upon discussion ended up backfiring right in my face. They left for a beer run without telling anyone and were gone for awhile. I was not the only one worried. His mother and other family members were getting worried as well and we almost went out to start looking for them since it had been that long. By the time they got back I was past being worried about his safety and just completely pissed and questioning my life choices along with wondering what else they got besides beer. The others just dismissed it because this was normal behavior which I was unaware. I confronted him on why he left and drove when that’s why I wasn’t drinking. He proceeded to cuss me and yell at me on the front lawn and his family just went inside and let him have at it with me. During this I was told I was to go along with whatever he said and didn’t have an option going forward. This was not acceptable to me and he only continued to yell and cuss me on their front lawn. He had gone inside at one point and expected me to wait to be yelled and cussed at more which is when I left out of sheer fear for what was coming next. I got home and was so upset and scared not knowing what he was going to do to me since I left but his family wasn’t going to protect me so I just knew I couldn’t stay there a minute longer as he escalated.

I had driven to my parents house knowing they were out of town to try to find safety. He was calling and threatening and I didn’t want it to be worse so I went back home. I don’t think I stopped crying since I had left his familys house. When I got close to the house I called his mom and she was just leaving my house after dropping him off. He was cussing and yelling and drunk in the background. I asked her if it was safe for me to come home and she said yes. She cared more to stay in her sons good standing than of what he might do to me. He called looking for me as he was destroying my back door since he didn’t have a key. He proceeded to kick it in and come out the front.

I pulled into the driveway while his mother was pulling out. He stormed up to the truck with fists clenched and veins bulging and pounded on the window so hard I thought it would break in on me so I shielded my face the bet I could for the impact. Fortunately it didnt break but fearful he would find a way and also fearful of putting it in reverse as he was yelling and cussing me. I was so scared to even move or breathe. I was not sure if I was going to end up in the hospital but decided it would be no worse to get out of the truck since he was going to get to me one way or the other. I opened the door and he grabbed my phone out of my hand and slammed it on the driveway breaking it in little pieces all still while cussing and yelling. The names he thought of that night to call me were an endless loop of anything you can possibly think of that would be demeaning. We went inside and I was scared out of my mind. He hadn’t stopped yelling and cussing yet so I didn’t say too much. I just stood very stoic and no flinching (which I had gotten used to with my dad but thats for another post) and ready to brace whatever was going to come my way. He was in my face nose to nose and I knew at any moment I was going down and just braced for all possibilities. He instead would hit and destroy something right next to me. Once he went to bed I laid on the couch too scared to sleep because I was afraid he would do something to me while I was sleeping. I took the cordless home phone and went outside through the destroyed back door so he wouldnt hear me leave and got in my car and called the police. When they arrived they talked to me outside and talked to him inside. He knew being drunk and having guns in the house he would get arrested once he stepped outside. Therefore they escorted me inside to get some things for the night and I went to a girlfriends house. I was so confused and kept telling the cops “I don’t know what to do because I haven’t seen him like this before and this isn’t the guy I know.” They didn’t tell me about any shelters even though I told them I wouldn’t be able to stay at my girlfriends really more than one night. She didn’t tell me about anything either so I went back the next day not knowing what I was going back to but not seeing as I had a choice and it was my home. This would later be the detriment of our friendship as she did know it was abuse and did know about shelters and just didn’t want to get involved more than a one night stay. This is a topic for another post.

This set the stage of how the whole relationship would stay. Afterward I was blamed for cheating while I stayed with her that night. I was also accused of abandoning my family whenever it was too much. I was accused of not liking my step kids and wishing they weren’t born. I was also told on a regular basis that if the kids were too much to just leave. My world had turned upside down and this began the heightened state I remained in during the rest of our relationship for almost 4 years. The constant fight or flight trauma on my body, mind and spirit was more than I would wish on anyone and yet some have it worse.

Second Christmas:

I came home from the hospital after a minor day surgery. I was instructed there was not to be any sex for at least two weeks. The doctors orders were because the pain would be too much and it would rip the incision. This was not acceptable for him, and forced himself from behind no matter my protest. Threats of leaving just for the night to satisfy his own needs and then return home were part of his continued threats.

End:

We went to a Cowboys football game with his employees. We didn’t have the kids and he got tickets from work. The game was fine but as he was drinking and around his employees his attitude started changing. By the time the game was done he had almost completely transformed. They had all agreed to go to Red River after and drink and dance the night away. He was drunk by this time and refused to allow me to drive even though I hadn’t had a drink because I was supposed to be the designated driver. On the way he had called his ex wife to see if she was going out and wanted to stop by the same bar. I asked what the motivation was and that I didn’t agree nor could I understand why but when he is drunk he thinks different and you don’t want to question.

We got drinks right away from his cousin that was bartending and found a place to sit/hang. I got him out on the dance floor and while dancing he noticed Amy (ex wifes sister who he also had dated) was dancing near us with friends. I couldn’t believe she was there too and began to wonder if that’s who he had called as well. We went back to sit down and he left to get drinks. He was gone awhile and I started worrying that something happened so I went looking for him. I went back over to where his cousin was bartending to ask if he had seen him but to my surprise John was there talking to Amy and didn’t seem to care I saw them. She immediately came over and was trying to start stuff with me and I stood my ground with her even when she started in with the put downs and cussing and who he really wanted to be with and before I knew it I had hit her…on the arm. That’s the first time I ever hit anyone in anger. It felt good to stand up for myself but not that I sunk to her level. I tried to question him and look for some kind of reason to validate but he was too drunk to care which made things worse.

Back at the table one of his employees tried to dance with Amy and he just attacked him. The bouncers finally made it over and kicked them both out so we all left. He attacked him in the parking lot again and we managed to get him in the car. Little did I know that was the worst thing I could have done for myself. He started yelling and cussng at me and made me pull over a block away because he wanted to still fight him. He got back in the car without fighting because they had driven off. Then he proceeded to yell and cuss at me accusing me of cheating with guys I dated before him. I was crying so much I could barely see the road in front of me. This went on and on to what seemed like forever but really it was only about 15 minutes. He finally hit me in the face while I was driving and so I pulled over on the highway at an exit. We had one of his employees in the car with us in the back seat and he didn’t try to do anything to protect me even though he was bigger and could of restrained him. I felt so isolated and vulnerable. Once I pulled over the employee got out of the car and just left me there alone with him. I thought for sure I was going to the hospital that night,  just didn’t know how bad he would beat me or what he was going to do to me so I just braced myself for the continued hits. He continued to yell and cuss and accuse and I was still crying. I was in true survival mode but not what I was used to because this was not survival to keep the peace but survival for my life. I began to think what and how I could get out of the car and if he got out chasing me down what would I do. I began blocking him out so I could get it together enough to make these decisions. I made sure I had manuvuered my pruse in my lap since he wasn’t paying attention, which had my phone and money. I looked around where I had pulled over and the highway was on my left and the exit road on my right and the service road further on my right at the beltline and 183 exit. I surveyed where his employee had gone and how far away he was from the car in case I had to make a run for it quick.

During all this time he had hit the windshield and shattered into a million spider breaks and also hit me a few times open handed so it wouldn’t leave marks or bruises unfortunately but only left pain. I felt there was a break in the yelling and I opeed the door and got out. To my surprise he didn’t try to chase me down but did get into the drivers seat and continue the verbal bashing while driving next to me in the car trying to reach at my thru the window. He was accusing me of abandoning my family, he had blamed me for his not trying in the relationship because he knew I would just leave, he put a guilt trip about leaving the kids because all women in their life leave so how are they going to feel. All lies but he used it against me anything he could concoct.

He drove off and I walked to where the employee was sitting while I called my parents. I didn’t know what to do so I reverted to my partents. I was afraid he would get worse if I called the police and I had no marks so didn’t know if I even could call the police. Lack of knowing your options is a huge difference as knowledge is power. As I sat waiting for them to pick me up I debated calling the police. Unfortunately he had brainwashed me so much to not call them that I convinced myself it wasn’t that bad to call. I later saw on the credit card bill that he had gotten a hotel that night down the street from Amy.

Living Situation

I had no where to go once he kicked me out. I had no car and no money since he kept all of these and my mother had to come pick me up with one suitcase he allowed me to pack along with only approved items I could even take. I resolved that I would be with my parents until I figured things out. I was lost without my step kids and was in just a daze trying to figure out what I needed to do to protect myself.

Fear

Posted on by DaisyVine

I started this blog as a means to heal but ended up in fear of anyone finding it and left out names and details that were much needed to actually heal. I also didn’t write much for the same fear. Fear can come in many forms. I had made this blog anonymous so if it was found people would not know it was me. The judgement people put on survivors is unreal. We are made out to be weak and victims and maybe we even did or said something to deserve it because I have heard them all. Its a very vulnerable place to reveal you are a survivor especially when you start revealing details.

I left out details and names in the previous posts for that reason and because I did not want to call out and reveal the people involved including my parents. I have had other life events come my way which will eventually be covered in future posts that have helped me overcome this fear. People have also come into my life that have helped me see the fear as the reality it is instead of the built up monster in my head.

It has taken many hours of counseling and some painstakingly difficult inner searching and acceptance of myself and what I had become to even get to the point to start “re-programming” of sorts as I refer to myself. I didn’t learn a healthy relationship from my parents nor the family I closely grew up around and so to come out of counseling also means to relearn how to be healthy when you didn’t know what that meant from the beginning.